Judge Me If You Want

Yes, I am actually writing on this blog again.

I've been in a depression for sometime now. It started getting worse in May and has been steady since then. A month or so ago it got worse.

There have been a lot of things going on in my life. I'm in a relationship again. It's going really well but the two  dates of depression I mentioned happen to coincide with particular marks in this relationship. I can't help but wonder about it. I mean, it does make sense. Stress is my number one trigger for depression. And any normal real relationship includes stress.

It's just been really hard. I have so many worries about my future, especially lately when so many things could be changing. I hardly know what to do. I've been here before where I'm so worried about what will happen that I freeze. I can't make myself do any sort of preparation to ease my worries. Seriously, I know that probably sounds ridiculous and maybe an excuse or something but its true. The worries are too much for me to handle. Because I so often don't know where to start with all the things that are always going on in my life and so I end up not doing anything and thinking that maybe with time they'll just sort themselves out! Of course they don't. They usually just get worse until the last minute and then by some miracle I'm able to do what I need to to get through. But what kind of a way to live is that? Living in panic until the last moment when in a frenzy of last moment-ness I somehow manage to make do with what happens?

Gosh I hate this. I hate my life when I feel like this. And it's not like my life is worth hating! There is nothing wrong with my life; it's just me.

It's just me. It's so hard to get out of it when you're in it. I feel like I need to do more preventative work concerning this. There's almost no use in trying to implement the things I want to do right at this moment because the naked truth is that I won't do any of it. I can think all I want but I won't do. I keep telling myself that I'm wrong and that I'm doing things wrong and that when I get depression it's my fault because obviously I haven't been living my life optimally. My diet, my exercise, my low spiritual level lately, my being anti-social, my lack of energy, irresponsibility; somehow it's all my fault.

My fault.

And it's all my fault because I'm a bad person. Any good person would be doing better than I am, right? The only reason I have depression is because I'm a bad, lazy person who obviously can't take care of herself.

Sounds like someone who is depressed talking, right?

Right.

Well, my dear ones, I think I'm going to stop writing on this blog and I'll tell you why. I feel like keeping this blog separate was necessary for the last year or so but I'm starting to feel like I need to merge the things I write on here with my regular blog. I think the time has come for me to say, "Okay, it really is a part of me" (not that I ever thought it wasn't) geez, I'm not articulating this very well.

I feel that if I were to keep this stuff separate from here on out that I would be keeping myself cut in two. I want to feel whole and when I think about discontinuing this "specialty blog" it feels right.

Of course, I won't stop advocating for better awareness concerning depression and anxiety. I'll never give up trying to help people understand but it's just time to pull everything back into one thing.

Is any of this making sense? It's not really that big of a deal. I'll just be including EVERYTHING in my other blog. If you aren't following my other blog, I would recommend doing so because all of my applications and thoughts and feelings specifically about D/A will be there now.

So, this isn't goodbye. It's just I'll see you over there :)

I was in my institute class today and depression was brought up as something that is a big struggle for young adults. One kid raised his hand and said in effect, "It's there whether it's real or not. I personally think it's not real most of the time..."

Wow, guys I was so close, SO CLOSE to raising my hand and say something to the effect of, "Hey, how about you stop talking about what you don't know about?"

Now, rationally I know what he was trying to say. There are lots of moments in our lives where we feel depressed but don't suffer from depression (by it's definition, a depressed mood that lasts longer than a three or four weeks). The topic was discussed throughout the rest of the class and I really wanted to just get up and do some educating. For me, it was discussed with a little less sensitivity than I felt appropriate. To the point that I might go talk to him about it. It really bothered me.

This is exactly the reason why I started this blog; to educate people on what it's really like to have depression from a personal stand-point. And to help people understand how to talk about it, how to address it.

Class was not easy for me today. I felt misunderstood or under-understood, if that makes sense? People understand depression in a general sort of way. Geez. I'm just bugged. I know, I think I'm taking it too personal but it's not just for me. It's for anyone who suffers from depression and is surrounded by people who don't take enough care concerning it.

Anyway...more later when I'm not so close to the situation..

My Peace I Give

Do you know what I started thinking about last night? I just want peace about one something, one way or the other. Just peace. Then I started thinking, well, Christ said that he would give me peace,

            “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (John 14:27).”

The footnotes include words like Peace of God and contentment. There’s obviously a difference between the peace from the world and the peace from Christ. The world’s peace is all external, it means nothing “bad” is happening around you, no fighting, no trouble, and no challenges; while the peace of Christ is internal.

It means that no matter what is happening on the outside you still have the peace of God, the contentment, the knowledge that He is the Almighty and we are in His hands and though the winds and waves rage about us we still can’t fall.

It's knowing that he holds your heart together through every heart break.

He leads you across every darkened pathway.

He stands in front of you, facing you, holding out his hands, his peace is knowing you can put your hands in his and that you are safe.

Hey all,

Doing much better from yesterday :)

Temporary

Had a hard night last night.

But on a whole things have been going remarkably well the last several weeks :)

But speaking of last night just to clear it away from me...it was as bad as me having to identify lies again. I can look back on the past several months and see how far I've come personally. I'm opening up again, becoming the social person I used to be. But after last night I'm fighting the desire to shut down again. Shut people out. Shut up inside. And pretend that I'm doing better than I actually am. I don't feel like seeing anyone or being around anyone. I feel like going back to bed; but at the same time that's a scary thought. What will be fixed by going back to bed? Nothing. Nothing at all. I would just lay there and sleep and then wake up and cry and then roll over and go back to sleep and that's all that would happen. Nothing more.

Man, I feel sick inside.
And do you want to know the worst part about it? I don't feel like I have anyone to go to. I don't have anyone who I feel really cares. Does that lie sound familiar? I know I've written that one down before.

On a lighter note, do you know what I know is true? I know that this won't last too long. It might even be gone by tomorrow. It's just temporary. It will get better soon and I'll be feeling better soon, too.

I Made a Difference to That One

Do you recall how many times throughout this blog I said that the easiest way for me to keep going through all the anguish and pain was thinking about the people I would be able to help someday with my experiences?

I haven't written about it yet, but now is the time; those times came to me this summer.

Every week without fail I was able to help a youth who was suffering from depression or anxiety. Every week. I had one week in Salt Lake where I helped three girls, one with anxiety, one with depression and one who suffered from night mares.

For the first time in a long time I experienced gratitude for what I have been through. I knew it would come because that's how Heavenly Father works, he works through us. And every experience we have will be consecrated for our good and for the good of others if we allow it to be so.

This is what I have wanted. This is why I decided to be open with my depression and anxiety, because I knew there were others out there who were going through the same thing and needed help and encouragement. I wanted to share with people that life doesn't end when you have depression or anxiety. You aren't always an individual who can help no one because you can't even help yourself. I'm not saying that you will never feel broken, several of my own blogs attest to my feeling exactly like that. If you suffer from depression and anxiety than you will have those moments when you have to rely heavily on others, maybe even longer than a moment, maybe years.

But there will come a time when you have finally become conqueror over this "thorn in the flesh" and you will have the opportunity to rise with a compassion born from inner conflict and be able to comfort the comfortless. You will have the unique experience to help those who once thought they were helpless. You will become a strength to those around you.

I expect future struggles. How else am I to grow? Some could say, you can't change the whole world's view concerning depression. You can't make a difference. Then again, my goal was never the whole world anyhow, but the one. The individual. A story of a boy comes to mind that I heard in church today:

A man was walking along the beach and saw a boy a short distance away who was gently picking things from the sand and tossing them back into the water. The man approached the boy and saw that he was throwing starfish back into the ocean. "Boy," he said. "What are you doing?" The boy replied, "The tide is going out and these starfish are stranded, I am throwing them back into the water to save them." The shook his head, "Boy, there are miles of beach and hundreds of starfish, you cannot possibly make a difference." After listening politely the boy picked up another starfish and tossed it into the surf and turned back to the man, "I made a difference to that one."

You can be that difference.

I rejoice because I was that difference. I was an instrument in the Lord's hand through my suffering. I have shared the yoke of the Savior, in a small way perhaps, but in my small way I made a difference to a couple handfuls of youth and great is my joy in bringing even one soul closer to Christ.

If you are suffering from depression or anxiety or any other ailment, stay faithful, the Lord will have need of your experiences to touch specific people.

So keep going, because you can do it!