Medication

I believe it is time to address medication. Do understand that I'm not professional, I'm not a doctor. This is just from my experience and some from those closest to me.

My first experience with anti-depressants was back in 2007. I had moved away from home and all the craziness of life settled on me with all it's responsibilities. I was under quite a bit of stress and couldn't handle my life load. My doctor put me on some medicine that he said, "will lower your stress level." I actually had no idea they were anti-depressants until much later. I moved home several months later because I had also been diagnosed with hypoglycemia and I couldn't afford the diet the doctor's had put me on.

I stayed on that medication for a while and then decided that I was ready to wean off of it. Which I did. I went back on the meds a short while later, weaned off of them and went back on them again August of 2010. You'll probably be thinking, "Erin, why didn't you just stay on them??" Well, the fact is that I never expected to go back on them every time I weaned off! I didn't like being on medication. It was shameful to me. And so, I went on them as long as the doctor suggested and then went off of them again.

However, things changed a bit this last August. I went back on the same medication I had been using for years and this time, it wasn't working. I went through three different dosages trying to get the right balance and it just wasn't working. The dosage was either too low to be working well enough or too high to the point of me becoming super apathetic (which is what happened the first time I went on them in 2007. I stopped going to work and school because I just stopped caring). Neither of those solutions was working for me and so I asked to try something new.

I asked the doctor if I could try what my dad had been on a year or so ago. This is a usual request because often if a medication works for one family member, it will work for another. That's what happened with my mom and her brother. The medication that worked for my Uncle ended up being the stuff that finally helped my mom. I have been on that one for the recommended 6 weeks (it usually takes about 6 weeks to notice any improvement that the medication is making). It has done nothing for the anxiety that is now a part of my day to day life and I still take a long time to get to sleep.

I went and talked to my doctor once again on Tuesday and told him that the anxiety wasn't working and that I wasn't able to fall asleep at night. He actually changed my prescription, which I was actually surprised by. Soooooo, now I am weaning off the last one and starting a new one again.

Third time's the charm, right? I'm really crossing my fingers for it.

I can't leave you hanging. I'm doing much better now. Yesterday was crappy. But today was better. I guess sometimes getting through depression just takes some time. It's been a very rough road the past couple of weeks; very rough indeed. But I'm doing better now. I went into work and helped with the remodeling, it's good to have something to do. However, yesterday, it was good to not have anything to do. It just depends.

The Ugly Side

Well, this is where it gets hard. This is where depression gets mean. Two of my other friends broke up today. I went over to be with  my best friend and listened as she described in detail how she had tried her hardest and her feelings for her boy just hadn't increased at all. She said she had peace and that she felt okay and happy.
CRUNCH! Take that Erin. While you sit here day after day and suffer with all of these awful emotions of depression and a broken up relationship let's show you exactly what your Ex is going through and how fine he is doing and how well he's going to move on. While you suffer. While you are shown to be the weak one. You can't handle this because you are irrational and broken and weak. He's fine. And you're not. You're not. And you're weak because you can't stop thinking about him and can't control the anger that you feel towards him. And you still wish things had gone differently even though you know it was for the best and that he wasn't as good to you as you deserve. What does that matter? You again gave your all to something and got heartache as a repayment. And yet, you are going to continue giving 100% to everything you can, because that's just the way you work. And everyone deserves your best even if you can't give it to them. And then afterwards when you find that once again people have let you down and become unreliable, you will break all over again. And that is why depression will never go away. And this is life. Your life. Doomed to always give your all and never get it back.

Oh! But it has to change!!! Someone has to give it back because God is merciful and he won't allow me to live like this. Life will hold every happiness and joy for me that it has to offer. I will get happiness. And somehow, I'm going to get through this. And only God knows how. Because I don't. All I can do is have faith that somehow, sometime, this will get better.

Bleh. I feel gross. My anxiety is almost constant now. I'm going to my doctor tomorrow and talking to him about it. You know the hard thing about medication? Well, maybe I'll just turn that subject into a new blog. Yes, that is what I will do.

Today was an almost average day. I'm so glad the sun was out. The sun is such a good thing. I saw my counselor today. I forgot I wanted to ask her a question. I'm pretty sure that counseling will help, it has helped some already. My nightmares have alleviated some, even though someone still made me pull a dead guy off the back of a truck full of dead or unconscious people last week.
Haha, I can almost imagine some of the faces after you read that. Gruesome, no? Yes. But that's a walk in the park compared to a lot of the other nightmares I've had.
My advice for today is to make sure that you're sensitive as to what you say and how you react around people who suffer from depression. Being sensitive is different from acting like they are broken. Never treat a depressed person like they're broken. We already feel broken and other people treating us like that only aggravates the falsehood. I bring up being sensitive today because I took awhile getting home from therapy (I really don't like calling it that. Yes, I suppose I'm in some sort of denial), I was supposed to go walking with my Mom and my sisters but I got back late enough that we didn't get to go. I could tell that my mom was disappointed in me because I "kept them waiting". Obviously, I should have called but I was a little preoccupied with finding out some things about school; which is a huge monster-ish type thing for me. Anyhow, I apologized to my mom but I could tell she was still bugged even though she said, "It's okay."
I continued to feel awful about it and went back a second time and apologized again, she said, "It's okay." But...she still seemed bugged. I left the room, giving up and trying to talk myself out of believing what my mind was trying to tell me (or my depression, rather), that my mom was extremely disappointed in me, and that she resented the fact that I had depression. Unfortunately, it affected the rest of my day. I don't know what her real feelings were, I suppose I should go talk to her about it. This is hard on her.
I'm supposed to go to FHE tonight. But it's hard for me to leave the house when it's cold and dark outside. Especially when it's cold.
What's frustrating for me right now is that I feel like I always have to be doing something or else I get down and start feeling crappy. But, if you knew me, you would know that I love moments of "nothing", moments of quiet, moments of alone-time. Lately though, I just haven't been able to do that. Depression waits for those moments in particular to strike. Or so it seems. I spent the entire afternoon rearranging my room. Something funny happened. I love changing my room around, my dad always says that "a change is as good as a move". I switched my room around to something new and it made me very uneasy. That's to be expected though, I think. If anything, what I'm looking for right now is a safe, constant place to be able to go. And today, switching all that up made me nervous. 
Sorry, this is all kind of scattered today.
I'll update you about what I find out about school. I'm looking into assistance.

Our Moment

My dear friends, those who have depression, I will tell you my greatest secret. It is the gospel of Jesus Christ. If I did not know there that was a Plan of Salvation, yes, even a Plan of Happiness, then there would be no hope.
God lives. He is with me at this very moment. He is helping me to dig deep, past the other feelings. You know the ones to which I am referring. The ones that make you sob in the shower, the ones that bring you to the floor only to find that not even the floor is low enough to gain relief. I know that depression is a illness, a disease, just like diabetes or cancer.
The Lord does not leave the diabetic alone, nor does he pull away from those who have cancer. And neither will he ever leave you while you are depressed. His angels are surrounding you. They are! Depression blinds your mind from truth, but God loves you, and God is Truth and the Truth will set us free (John 8:32). We know what it is like to feel in bondage, in our own minds and bodies.
Each one of us will find happiness in this life. God did not send us here to be unhappy. We were not depressed spirits in the premortal realm. We were strong and valiant and wanting this life.
"So that the period of mortal testing and growth would yield its greatest benefit, you were taught and prepared for the circumstances you would personally encounter in mortality. Our Father's pattern for guiding you through mortal life was explained."
(Richard G. Scott, "Truth Restored," Ensign, Nov 2005, 78)
I have a testimony that God gave us the exact help that each of our particular cases of depression require. It is there, within us. And it is there around us. That is my secret. I dig deeper then those deep feelings and I always find Christ, he has descended below all things (D&C 88:6, 122:8). He will be there to lift and carry you back up towards progression.
We've made it this far. This life is but a moment and to fail now would be inconceivable.

In the Moment

Depression came upon me around 9:00pm this evening. The entire side of my Mom's family was over for Christmas Eve, I got really tired and then I was sad. Depression isn't convenient. Some of it could be because of the break-up but there are two different kinds of sad. Regular sad that deals directly with situations and then there's depression. Depression is hopeless. It makes me push people away and just want to be alone. Even though the things I desire the very most at those times is for someone to be with me. It's heavy and exhausting. And it's so important to be understanding and supportive of someone when they are in a moment of depression. Watch what you say. Some of my family members were talking about getting more grandkids for my mom and dad and one of my brothers turned to me and said something to the effect of, "Get on that!"
I know he didn't mean anything by it, but it stung and made things a little worse for me.
I know very well that when I'm feeling those feelings is when I need to be around people. I tried for a little while but it was too much and so I retreated into my room and made a couple of hair flowers which usually cheers me up quite nicely...but not tonight. I think it's safe to say that it's important to try not to think of distressing things while you are depressed because that is when lies come the swiftest and pound you while you are down. It's always good to have a sure-fire way to distract yourself. For me it's usually making flowers, which takes concentration and precision and then I will usually turn music on. Tonight, I was listening to Dallin Val Balyes'(sp?) new CD. It was very helpful and my mood lifted, somewhat.
Come January I will be starting a strict curfew for myself. Depression is always worse when I'm tired. And everyone will just have to understand that staying out late is detrimental for me. Including the men. Which I have had problems with before and which more than one misunderstood or didn't take seriously enough. But whatever I was willing to make that sacrifice to have time with them. But I just don't see that happening in the future much if I can help it.

Things I'm Trying Now

I feel like depression is a very individual thing. It's hits the person personally. So, some of the things I use to help myself when I'm in depression may not help others. But here is what I have tried and what seems to work. These things that I'm going to share with (I just realized this) have to do with who I really am; my core. I love being in the sun, I love being warm and I love being creative.
-I have a what's called a "Happy Light", which is a full-spectrum light  ("the same spectral distribution of light produced by the sun")a. My depression gets worse in the winter. I'm using the light right now and I don't know how or why it works or if it's just my brain tricking me, but the light helps.
-I make sure I'm warm. I despise being cold, so I have a space heater in my room to make it a comfortable temperature for me. Anyone else walks in and immediately declares, "Bleh! It's HOT in here." You betcha :)
-I've recently begun to make fabric and ribbon flowers. It makes me happy. I'm an artist but recently I've lost interest in painting and drawing. But I'm a creative person so, I've really felt that loss due to depression. My friend came over one day and showed me how to make a flower for my hair out of fabric and I got hooked. I love it! I've since make about 20 of them.

A counselor will usually suggest to someone who has depression to have a retreat of sorts, a happy place, a comfort zone, whatever you'd like to call it. Mine is my room, with my light and my heater, making flowers with oldies playing (I'm talking about the old oldies, 30's, 40's, 50's). Since I mentioned a counselor, I'll tell you about that now.
I never wanted to go see a counselor. That, to me, was ultimate embarrassment. I felt like if other people found out they would severely look down on me and judge me harshly. I feared they would say things like, "They'll think I'm truly wacko. Or some nut job sitting on a couch, sobbing about what happened when I was a child." (By the way, I had an awesome childhood. I'm actually thinking of making a children's book out of my siblings and my adventures.) With some people, I still feel like that.
I'm also a very independent person who has had the ability to take care of herself, depression has taken much of that away. Which is probably the most frustrating thing out of all for me. If you think this is the case with whomever you know who has depression, I would suggest finding ways to tell them you notice the little things they are doing to care for themselves. Don't be all weird about it, though. Don't go up to them and say, "Oh! I am SO proud of you for eating healthy! What a good girl/boy!" Try something like "Hey, I think it's admirable that you can eat healthy even though you may not feel like doing it." Something like that. Help them feel like they still have some control over some aspects of their life.
Back to counseling, I'm actually trying it now. My own depression has come and gone and I have been on and off anti-depressants (which I will address at a later point). At this time, depression has been more difficult for me to handle. I'm now experiencing anxiety as well as depression; something that hasn't happened before. I thought about it, prayed about it, counseled with church leaders, parents and trusted friends and made the decision, by myself, to try counseling.

It wasn't an easy decision. And I didn't really feel the whole support of my parents about it at first. You see, my mom went to counseling when she had severe depression and hated it. It's so important that if someone you know is going through depression to really support them as they try to find something that will lead them to recovery and coping. I have tried many, many avenues and will keep trying them until I find something that works for me. My parents, though at first really weren't sold on the idea are much more supportive of it now. And though counseling is hard for me personally, I want to go all the way with it.

LDSFS shared this quote with us:
"Remember that God has given us wondrous knowledge and technology that can help us overcome grievous problems such as mental illness. Seriously mentally ill persons simply cannot, through an exercise of will, get out of the predicament they are in. They need help, encouragement, understanding and love...we don't say to persons with heart disease or cancer, 'Just grow up up and get over it.' Neither should we treat the mentally ill in such an uncompassionate and unhelpful way."
(Elder Alexander Morrison, Emeritus Seventy).

a. http://www.verilux.com/light-therapy-lamps/happylight-light-therapy - Look under "Research"

Part II of Depression and Anxiety; What are they? How can they be recognized? What can be done to help?

Considerations:

(Here I would like to interject that it is very important to really consider these things. Everyone is different.)

Individuals differ in how they respond to the helping efforts of others. The help that is given may need to vary according to the individual abilities and circumstances of each person. A caution would be to not expect everyone to readily respond to helping efforts.

When to seek medical help: Sever or suicidal depression or anxiety. Significant physical symptoms, such as insomnia, fatigue and pain syndromes. Other chronic medical problems. Bipolar disorder. Or patient preference.

Alright, this next part helped me a lot. When I went to this seminar I was unsure if I was actually experiencing depression the illness or if I was just sad or overly-stressed. By the way, I think it's important to note, even if it's just for myself, that I'm experiencing anxiety at this very moment. I have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest like it's tight. This is scary stuff to share with some total strangers and some friends. This goes soul deep...and it's scary. But my desire to be of help to others is still out-weighing the anxiety.

Man, I'm having problems getting the chart on here.

I'm so sorry that it's fuzzy but it will have to do. Anyhow, I came to a self-diagnosis via these charts. I figured I had Moderate depression because I knew that my symptoms persisted for weeks and months and that it has been like this for years. I can still function, but it's hard. Like the chart says, I get by. I also recognized that I view myself negatively (though I have known this for some time), that I felt helpless and often hopeless. Actually, I still feel those things.

Okay, onward with the rest of the information I want to share.

Tips for helping people with depression:

-Be patient. Remission may take several weeks or even months. Progress is measured in steps, not in leaps and bounds.

-Extend appropriate opportunities to serve without overwhelming.

-Listening may fix more problems than trying to fix problems. People may know what needs to be done but need help doing it.

Tips for helping people with anxiety:

-Be aware of triggers for anxiety (such as public speaking)

-Use their talents in smaller group situations

-Capitalize on their strengths

-Recognize success

These are all basic tips, again, it's really important to understand that everyone is different. For instance, public speaking doesn't trigger my anxiety. I haven't figured out what causes it, yet. I just wake up most days feeling axious and nervous...I'm still working on that.

Depression and Anxiety; What are they? How can they be recognized? What can be done to help?

The following information was given by professionals from LDS Family Services. My parents suggested that I come with them to a seminar they held for church leaders. I will probably attach my own comments as I remember what struck me in parentheses and Italics. And I will write it as close to how I actually said it to help give the information some life :)

What is Depression?
-Depression is a persistent depressed mood that doesn't go away like ordinary sadness
and/or
-Loss of interest or pleasure in nearly all activities

Related Symptoms include:
-Change in appetite or body weight
-Difficulty sleeping, or oversleeping (check, I have difficulty sleeping. Not to mention my nightmares!)
-Physical slowing or agitation (check, I am normally a very self-motivated person. But this time around I have the hardest time keeping my own room clean. Even though I told it the other day that I thought it was old enough to keep itself clean. It got super dirty after that; out of spite, I believe.)
-Loss of energy (yep)
-Feelings of guilt, worthlessness (Bleh. Those feelings are prevalent. Especially guilt.)
-Difficulty concentrating (on occasion...)
-Thoughts of death or suicide

Depressed mood vs. depression as a disease: All people experience episodes of sadness and disappointment, it's a normal reaction to difficult experiences. However, major depression may not seem to be directly linked to life circumstances. Feelings of depression, guilt, and hopelessness are out of proportion to actual problems (again, with the guilt!). Depression is persistent, lasting for months rather than days.

What is Anxiety?
-A feeling of apprehension and fear characterized by physical symptoms such as palpitations, sweating, and feelings of stress
and/or
-A real or imagined imbalance between the demands on a person the person's ability to meet those demands.

Related symptoms:
-Trembling/Nervousness
-Muscle tension
-Headaches
-Insomnia/sleeping too much
-Shortness of Breath
-Racing Heart, chest discomfort (?? wait a second...that's been happening lately, too. Do I have anxiety as well?)
-Nausea, dizziness

Stress vs. Anxiety Disorder: Feeling pressure or stress is a normal response to change or difficult situations. May be an adaptive, motivating thing. Generalized anxiety may not always be associated with a trigger. It manifests itself through physical symptoms and there are a variety of disorders: Panic, OCD, PTSD. It may be paralyzing, rather than motivating.

In a aWard of 400 (based on NIMH estimates) 2 children, 3-4 adolescents, 9-10 adult men and 16-17 adult women experience depressive illness each year. (wow, that's a lot of people. My singles ward has about 200 young adults...that must mean that 7-8 other girls in my ward would be suffering from depression, too. Is that right? I hate math.)

Causes of Depression and Anxiety: Biology, Personality traits, Hormones, Long-term stress, Medicine, Illness, Major life events. (darn biology. My mom, grandma and great-grandma have all had severe depression.)


a. Name of a geographic area whose inhabitants are assigned to attend a specific building at a specific time. A very small ward is called a branch. Several wards and branches make up a stake. A bishop is put in charge of a ward.

Hi :)

My name is Erin and I have been suffering from depression for four years. I've started this blog to perhaps help educate more people about depression. I am no doctor, nor psychologist or psychiatrist, I just know what it feels like. I know to some extent (can we ever know the whole extent?) of what it does to my mind and my body. I know some of the things that work for me and the things I appreciate others doing for me that I can accept.

Depression is hard enough to cope with without it being so widely misunderstood; but the fact remains that it is misunderstood by numerous people, many of whom have family or friends who suffer from it. I hope to share some things on this blog that will help friends, family, and those with depression reach a better support system with each other.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and will heavily include our Savior's doctrines and teachings and those of his servants. Because I know, that without the gospel, I would be in a much worse place than I already am.

I attended a seminar several weeks ago on how church leaders could better help those who suffer from depression and anxiety. It was hosted by the professionals at LDS Family Services. And they shared a lot of good information which I wish to include here in a separate blog.

I really hope this helps someone.