Bleh. I feel gross. My anxiety is almost constant now. I'm going to my doctor tomorrow and talking to him about it. You know the hard thing about medication? Well, maybe I'll just turn that subject into a new blog. Yes, that is what I will do.

Today was an almost average day. I'm so glad the sun was out. The sun is such a good thing. I saw my counselor today. I forgot I wanted to ask her a question. I'm pretty sure that counseling will help, it has helped some already. My nightmares have alleviated some, even though someone still made me pull a dead guy off the back of a truck full of dead or unconscious people last week.
Haha, I can almost imagine some of the faces after you read that. Gruesome, no? Yes. But that's a walk in the park compared to a lot of the other nightmares I've had.
My advice for today is to make sure that you're sensitive as to what you say and how you react around people who suffer from depression. Being sensitive is different from acting like they are broken. Never treat a depressed person like they're broken. We already feel broken and other people treating us like that only aggravates the falsehood. I bring up being sensitive today because I took awhile getting home from therapy (I really don't like calling it that. Yes, I suppose I'm in some sort of denial), I was supposed to go walking with my Mom and my sisters but I got back late enough that we didn't get to go. I could tell that my mom was disappointed in me because I "kept them waiting". Obviously, I should have called but I was a little preoccupied with finding out some things about school; which is a huge monster-ish type thing for me. Anyhow, I apologized to my mom but I could tell she was still bugged even though she said, "It's okay."
I continued to feel awful about it and went back a second time and apologized again, she said, "It's okay." But...she still seemed bugged. I left the room, giving up and trying to talk myself out of believing what my mind was trying to tell me (or my depression, rather), that my mom was extremely disappointed in me, and that she resented the fact that I had depression. Unfortunately, it affected the rest of my day. I don't know what her real feelings were, I suppose I should go talk to her about it. This is hard on her.
I'm supposed to go to FHE tonight. But it's hard for me to leave the house when it's cold and dark outside. Especially when it's cold.
What's frustrating for me right now is that I feel like I always have to be doing something or else I get down and start feeling crappy. But, if you knew me, you would know that I love moments of "nothing", moments of quiet, moments of alone-time. Lately though, I just haven't been able to do that. Depression waits for those moments in particular to strike. Or so it seems. I spent the entire afternoon rearranging my room. Something funny happened. I love changing my room around, my dad always says that "a change is as good as a move". I switched my room around to something new and it made me very uneasy. That's to be expected though, I think. If anything, what I'm looking for right now is a safe, constant place to be able to go. And today, switching all that up made me nervous. 
Sorry, this is all kind of scattered today.
I'll update you about what I find out about school. I'm looking into assistance.