Well, my dear ones, I think I'm going to stop writing on this blog and I'll tell you why. I feel like keeping this blog separate was necessary for the last year or so but I'm starting to feel like I need to merge the things I write on here with my regular blog. I think the time has come for me to say, "Okay, it really is a part of me" (not that I ever thought it wasn't) geez, I'm not articulating this very well.
I feel that if I were to keep this stuff separate from here on out that I would be keeping myself cut in two. I want to feel whole and when I think about discontinuing this "specialty blog" it feels right.
Of course, I won't stop advocating for better awareness concerning depression and anxiety. I'll never give up trying to help people understand but it's just time to pull everything back into one thing.
Is any of this making sense? It's not really that big of a deal. I'll just be including EVERYTHING in my other blog. If you aren't following my other blog, I would recommend doing so because all of my applications and thoughts and feelings specifically about D/A will be there now.
So, this isn't goodbye. It's just I'll see you over there :)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I was in my institute class today and depression was brought up as something that is a big struggle for young adults. One kid raised his hand and said in effect, "It's there whether it's real or not. I personally think it's not real most of the time..."
Wow, guys I was so close, SO CLOSE to raising my hand and say something to the effect of, "Hey, how about you stop talking about what you don't know about?"
Now, rationally I know what he was trying to say. There are lots of moments in our lives where we feel depressed but don't suffer from depression (by it's definition, a depressed mood that lasts longer than a three or four weeks). The topic was discussed throughout the rest of the class and I really wanted to just get up and do some educating. For me, it was discussed with a little less sensitivity than I felt appropriate. To the point that I might go talk to him about it. It really bothered me.
This is exactly the reason why I started this blog; to educate people on what it's really like to have depression from a personal stand-point. And to help people understand how to talk about it, how to address it.
Class was not easy for me today. I felt misunderstood or under-understood, if that makes sense? People understand depression in a general sort of way. Geez. I'm just bugged. I know, I think I'm taking it too personal but it's not just for me. It's for anyone who suffers from depression and is surrounded by people who don't take enough care concerning it.
Anyway...more later when I'm not so close to the situation..
Wow, guys I was so close, SO CLOSE to raising my hand and say something to the effect of, "Hey, how about you stop talking about what you don't know about?"
Now, rationally I know what he was trying to say. There are lots of moments in our lives where we feel depressed but don't suffer from depression (by it's definition, a depressed mood that lasts longer than a three or four weeks). The topic was discussed throughout the rest of the class and I really wanted to just get up and do some educating. For me, it was discussed with a little less sensitivity than I felt appropriate. To the point that I might go talk to him about it. It really bothered me.
This is exactly the reason why I started this blog; to educate people on what it's really like to have depression from a personal stand-point. And to help people understand how to talk about it, how to address it.
Class was not easy for me today. I felt misunderstood or under-understood, if that makes sense? People understand depression in a general sort of way. Geez. I'm just bugged. I know, I think I'm taking it too personal but it's not just for me. It's for anyone who suffers from depression and is surrounded by people who don't take enough care concerning it.
Anyway...more later when I'm not so close to the situation..
Saturday, September 3, 2011
My Peace I Give
Do you know what I started thinking about last night? I just want peace about one something, one way or the other. Just peace. Then I started thinking, well, Christ said that he would give me peace,
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (John 14:27).”
The footnotes include words like Peace of God and contentment. There’s obviously a difference between the peace from the world and the peace from Christ. The world’s peace is all external, it means nothing “bad” is happening around you, no fighting, no trouble, and no challenges; while the peace of Christ is internal.
It means that no matter what is happening on the outside you still have the peace of God, the contentment, the knowledge that He is the Almighty and we are in His hands and though the winds and waves rage about us we still can’t fall.
It's knowing that he holds your heart together through every heart break.
He leads you across every darkened pathway.
He stands in front of you, facing you, holding out his hands, his peace is knowing you can put your hands in his and that you are safe.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Temporary
Had a hard night last night.
But on a whole things have been going remarkably well the last several weeks :)
But speaking of last night just to clear it away from me...it was as bad as me having to identify lies again. I can look back on the past several months and see how far I've come personally. I'm opening up again, becoming the social person I used to be. But after last night I'm fighting the desire to shut down again. Shut people out. Shut up inside. And pretend that I'm doing better than I actually am. I don't feel like seeing anyone or being around anyone. I feel like going back to bed; but at the same time that's a scary thought. What will be fixed by going back to bed? Nothing. Nothing at all. I would just lay there and sleep and then wake up and cry and then roll over and go back to sleep and that's all that would happen. Nothing more.
Man, I feel sick inside.
And do you want to know the worst part about it? I don't feel like I have anyone to go to. I don't have anyone who I feel really cares. Does that lie sound familiar? I know I've written that one down before.
On a lighter note, do you know what I know is true? I know that this won't last too long. It might even be gone by tomorrow. It's just temporary. It will get better soon and I'll be feeling better soon, too.
But on a whole things have been going remarkably well the last several weeks :)
But speaking of last night just to clear it away from me...it was as bad as me having to identify lies again. I can look back on the past several months and see how far I've come personally. I'm opening up again, becoming the social person I used to be. But after last night I'm fighting the desire to shut down again. Shut people out. Shut up inside. And pretend that I'm doing better than I actually am. I don't feel like seeing anyone or being around anyone. I feel like going back to bed; but at the same time that's a scary thought. What will be fixed by going back to bed? Nothing. Nothing at all. I would just lay there and sleep and then wake up and cry and then roll over and go back to sleep and that's all that would happen. Nothing more.
Man, I feel sick inside.
And do you want to know the worst part about it? I don't feel like I have anyone to go to. I don't have anyone who I feel really cares. Does that lie sound familiar? I know I've written that one down before.
On a lighter note, do you know what I know is true? I know that this won't last too long. It might even be gone by tomorrow. It's just temporary. It will get better soon and I'll be feeling better soon, too.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I Made a Difference to That One
Do you recall how many times throughout this blog I said that the easiest way for me to keep going through all the anguish and pain was thinking about the people I would be able to help someday with my experiences?
I haven't written about it yet, but now is the time; those times came to me this summer.
Every week without fail I was able to help a youth who was suffering from depression or anxiety. Every week. I had one week in Salt Lake where I helped three girls, one with anxiety, one with depression and one who suffered from night mares.
For the first time in a long time I experienced gratitude for what I have been through. I knew it would come because that's how Heavenly Father works, he works through us. And every experience we have will be consecrated for our good and for the good of others if we allow it to be so.
This is what I have wanted. This is why I decided to be open with my depression and anxiety, because I knew there were others out there who were going through the same thing and needed help and encouragement. I wanted to share with people that life doesn't end when you have depression or anxiety. You aren't always an individual who can help no one because you can't even help yourself. I'm not saying that you will never feel broken, several of my own blogs attest to my feeling exactly like that. If you suffer from depression and anxiety than you will have those moments when you have to rely heavily on others, maybe even longer than a moment, maybe years.
But there will come a time when you have finally become conqueror over this "thorn in the flesh" and you will have the opportunity to rise with a compassion born from inner conflict and be able to comfort the comfortless. You will have the unique experience to help those who once thought they were helpless. You will become a strength to those around you.
I expect future struggles. How else am I to grow? Some could say, you can't change the whole world's view concerning depression. You can't make a difference. Then again, my goal was never the whole world anyhow, but the one. The individual. A story of a boy comes to mind that I heard in church today:
A man was walking along the beach and saw a boy a short distance away who was gently picking things from the sand and tossing them back into the water. The man approached the boy and saw that he was throwing starfish back into the ocean. "Boy," he said. "What are you doing?" The boy replied, "The tide is going out and these starfish are stranded, I am throwing them back into the water to save them." The shook his head, "Boy, there are miles of beach and hundreds of starfish, you cannot possibly make a difference." After listening politely the boy picked up another starfish and tossed it into the surf and turned back to the man, "I made a difference to that one."
You can be that difference.
I rejoice because I was that difference. I was an instrument in the Lord's hand through my suffering. I have shared the yoke of the Savior, in a small way perhaps, but in my small way I made a difference to a couple handfuls of youth and great is my joy in bringing even one soul closer to Christ.
If you are suffering from depression or anxiety or any other ailment, stay faithful, the Lord will have need of your experiences to touch specific people.
So keep going, because you can do it!
I haven't written about it yet, but now is the time; those times came to me this summer.
Every week without fail I was able to help a youth who was suffering from depression or anxiety. Every week. I had one week in Salt Lake where I helped three girls, one with anxiety, one with depression and one who suffered from night mares.
For the first time in a long time I experienced gratitude for what I have been through. I knew it would come because that's how Heavenly Father works, he works through us. And every experience we have will be consecrated for our good and for the good of others if we allow it to be so.
This is what I have wanted. This is why I decided to be open with my depression and anxiety, because I knew there were others out there who were going through the same thing and needed help and encouragement. I wanted to share with people that life doesn't end when you have depression or anxiety. You aren't always an individual who can help no one because you can't even help yourself. I'm not saying that you will never feel broken, several of my own blogs attest to my feeling exactly like that. If you suffer from depression and anxiety than you will have those moments when you have to rely heavily on others, maybe even longer than a moment, maybe years.
But there will come a time when you have finally become conqueror over this "thorn in the flesh" and you will have the opportunity to rise with a compassion born from inner conflict and be able to comfort the comfortless. You will have the unique experience to help those who once thought they were helpless. You will become a strength to those around you.
I expect future struggles. How else am I to grow? Some could say, you can't change the whole world's view concerning depression. You can't make a difference. Then again, my goal was never the whole world anyhow, but the one. The individual. A story of a boy comes to mind that I heard in church today:
A man was walking along the beach and saw a boy a short distance away who was gently picking things from the sand and tossing them back into the water. The man approached the boy and saw that he was throwing starfish back into the ocean. "Boy," he said. "What are you doing?" The boy replied, "The tide is going out and these starfish are stranded, I am throwing them back into the water to save them." The shook his head, "Boy, there are miles of beach and hundreds of starfish, you cannot possibly make a difference." After listening politely the boy picked up another starfish and tossed it into the surf and turned back to the man, "I made a difference to that one."
You can be that difference.
I rejoice because I was that difference. I was an instrument in the Lord's hand through my suffering. I have shared the yoke of the Savior, in a small way perhaps, but in my small way I made a difference to a couple handfuls of youth and great is my joy in bringing even one soul closer to Christ.
If you are suffering from depression or anxiety or any other ailment, stay faithful, the Lord will have need of your experiences to touch specific people.
So keep going, because you can do it!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Lost Post
I wrote this post on November 28, 2010 and just found it in my drafts. I'd like to have it included with this blog.
"And He Began to Be Very Heavy"
"Depression rages on. I count myself blessed that's it's only moderate depression, but depression in any form is hard and painful. I wish the world better understood how depression feels and that you can't "just snap out of it" like so many people think.
"And He Began to Be Very Heavy"
"Depression rages on. I count myself blessed that's it's only moderate depression, but depression in any form is hard and painful. I wish the world better understood how depression feels and that you can't "just snap out of it" like so many people think.
Perhaps they would be more supportive of us if they knew that the Savior of the World has experienced severe depression?
Mark 14:33-35 says:
And he taketh with him Peter and James and John, and began to be sore amazed, and to be very heavy; And saith unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death: tarry ye here, and watch. And he went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him.
The footnote for "sore" is awestruck, astonished, at how very heavy (footnote depressed, dejected, in anguish) he became. So much was his sorrow that he felt it unto death. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that only those who have had moderate to severe depression knows the power of that statement. Some here with us on earth have unfortunately chosen death over feeling that heaviness.
My dear friends, my point is this: Jesus Christ knows what depression feels like. He understands far more than any being that has ever lived on the Earth. He felt it for himself plus everyone else's. He knows what it feels like to want relief so badly that you lay on the floor hoping to find it there, only to realize that the floor isn't even low enough to abate your feelings.
He knows the anguish that goes on inside your head when you know what is good but your mind and body cannot follow.
He knows what it feels like to not want to leave your house, even at the expense of others just not understanding.
He knows the feeling of wanting to hit yourself in the head with a book to try and stop thinking.
Yes, He knows. Even unto death.
But he went through that so that he could help you get through it. He alone can lift that suffering that comes from depression. And now he lives. He lives. And so can you. You can live through depression. You can and should chose life.
He is there with you. Of course he has his arms around you, understanding your pain perfectly and he offered everything in order to succor you through depression. Hold on. Hold on to the Savior."
This was interesting for me to read. Because it only got harder after this. But those verses of scripture were so comforting to me through this whole experience with depression; that it was recorded in the scriptures that he felt depressed, dejected and in anguish. Obviously, at the time he bearing the entire weight of the worlds he had created, so one can only imagine how severe his depression was at the time.
-sigh- I love him you guys. I love him so much. I'm so grateful for how perfectly he has taken care of me and how he continues to take care of me. He is real. He does live. He is your Savior.
But he went through that so that he could help you get through it. He alone can lift that suffering that comes from depression. And now he lives. He lives. And so can you. You can live through depression. You can and should chose life.
He is there with you. Of course he has his arms around you, understanding your pain perfectly and he offered everything in order to succor you through depression. Hold on. Hold on to the Savior."
This was interesting for me to read. Because it only got harder after this. But those verses of scripture were so comforting to me through this whole experience with depression; that it was recorded in the scriptures that he felt depressed, dejected and in anguish. Obviously, at the time he bearing the entire weight of the worlds he had created, so one can only imagine how severe his depression was at the time.
-sigh- I love him you guys. I love him so much. I'm so grateful for how perfectly he has taken care of me and how he continues to take care of me. He is real. He does live. He is your Savior.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
The Powers
Hey there :)
So, of course I have felt the power of the Atonement as I've struggled through depression and anxiety but over the course of this week certain things solidified about the how.
Our session director, Bro. Andre, has been a great teacher this week on the Savior and Heavenly Father. And as I was sitting in one of our meetings last night and was thinking about everything and wanting to understand more for myself HOW the Atonement had been present certain powers concerning it came to me:
The first two go together.
The power of healing: This one might be kind of obvious to everyone but unfortunately I don't think most people really understand the sort of pain and anguish that accompany depression. It ravages you. It tears you apart. And it feels like that too, it feels like your heart is tearing apart. It's real pain. I remember once during a really bad bout groaning, "Ouch. How can it be actually hurting like this? How can a heart actually feel this kind of pain? Where does it come from? How can something emotional hurt so bad in a physical way??"
Friends, that kind of pain leaves scars.
The power of binding back together/repairing: Broken and Damaged are two things I felt defined me for a long time. I would become aware of the acute pain inside of me or the effects of depression the day after a really hard night and cry inside because I literally felt broken. And because I couldn't control my thoughts at the time I felt damaged; my brain didn't work like other people's brains that seemed to work correctly. But it went deeper than that, it wasn't just my brain, it was me. I was damaged. I was a damaged, broken soul.
But, I don't feel broken any more thanks to Heavenly Father providing me ways to understand what is happening inside of my body. Yet, the most important part of this is that, no amount of medication or therapy or self-help could have made me who I am today. My condition (which is miraculous) is due only to the Atonement. It and it alone has the power to heal those deep-seated wounds. And he heals us without a scar.
The power of strengthening: I've been through physical therapy two or three times for different things and I'm experiencing the same kind of things with my emotional healing as I did with my physical healing way back when. It's taking time. When I was healing physically from blowing out my shoulder and hip from dancing I had days where my body was stiffer and there were (and still are actually) times when I'll move the wrong way and tweak those old injuries and it will hurt for a second. Same thing with depression. There are some days where I feel "stiffer", sadder, etc...sometimes I'll experience memories that trigger previous bad moments and it will hurt for a little while. But slowly, just like physical therapy, I feel like I'm getting stronger. It's sort of imperceptible for the most part. I recognize it more as I compare how I am now from how I was six months ago.
The power of endurance: My struggles aren't over. But whenever I ask for it, the Lord tells me that everything is alright and that I'm still alright and that I will make it through this. Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, my endurance consists of dragging my feet one in front of the other while other times I do quite splendidly.
These are just four ways that I've recognized the HOW of the Atonement in my last nine or ten months. There are many more. Forgiveness, hope, selflessness, charity and on and on and on.
So, of course I have felt the power of the Atonement as I've struggled through depression and anxiety but over the course of this week certain things solidified about the how.
Our session director, Bro. Andre, has been a great teacher this week on the Savior and Heavenly Father. And as I was sitting in one of our meetings last night and was thinking about everything and wanting to understand more for myself HOW the Atonement had been present certain powers concerning it came to me:
The first two go together.
The power of healing: This one might be kind of obvious to everyone but unfortunately I don't think most people really understand the sort of pain and anguish that accompany depression. It ravages you. It tears you apart. And it feels like that too, it feels like your heart is tearing apart. It's real pain. I remember once during a really bad bout groaning, "Ouch. How can it be actually hurting like this? How can a heart actually feel this kind of pain? Where does it come from? How can something emotional hurt so bad in a physical way??"
Friends, that kind of pain leaves scars.
The power of binding back together/repairing: Broken and Damaged are two things I felt defined me for a long time. I would become aware of the acute pain inside of me or the effects of depression the day after a really hard night and cry inside because I literally felt broken. And because I couldn't control my thoughts at the time I felt damaged; my brain didn't work like other people's brains that seemed to work correctly. But it went deeper than that, it wasn't just my brain, it was me. I was damaged. I was a damaged, broken soul.
But, I don't feel broken any more thanks to Heavenly Father providing me ways to understand what is happening inside of my body. Yet, the most important part of this is that, no amount of medication or therapy or self-help could have made me who I am today. My condition (which is miraculous) is due only to the Atonement. It and it alone has the power to heal those deep-seated wounds. And he heals us without a scar.
The power of strengthening: I've been through physical therapy two or three times for different things and I'm experiencing the same kind of things with my emotional healing as I did with my physical healing way back when. It's taking time. When I was healing physically from blowing out my shoulder and hip from dancing I had days where my body was stiffer and there were (and still are actually) times when I'll move the wrong way and tweak those old injuries and it will hurt for a second. Same thing with depression. There are some days where I feel "stiffer", sadder, etc...sometimes I'll experience memories that trigger previous bad moments and it will hurt for a little while. But slowly, just like physical therapy, I feel like I'm getting stronger. It's sort of imperceptible for the most part. I recognize it more as I compare how I am now from how I was six months ago.
The power of endurance: My struggles aren't over. But whenever I ask for it, the Lord tells me that everything is alright and that I'm still alright and that I will make it through this. Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, my endurance consists of dragging my feet one in front of the other while other times I do quite splendidly.
These are just four ways that I've recognized the HOW of the Atonement in my last nine or ten months. There are many more. Forgiveness, hope, selflessness, charity and on and on and on.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
So...some interesting things. I'm still experiencing anxiety. Now, important things to remember when you are experiencing anxiety is to figure out if there is a source. I am at EFY right now which inevitable includes stress. But personally, I don't think I'm stressed about EFY. I mean, let's face it. I've done four summers of this. I'm an old pro. Sooooooo....why the anxiety? THAT is the question.
I do have some other vitamins for anxiety but I don't have a lot. Maybe I'll have someone in my family about bringing me some when I'm back in Utah. I haven't really used those much. I don't even know if they work. I feel like it's more of a placebo effect when it comes to anxiety.
Meh, we'll see.
I do have some other vitamins for anxiety but I don't have a lot. Maybe I'll have someone in my family about bringing me some when I'm back in Utah. I haven't really used those much. I don't even know if they work. I feel like it's more of a placebo effect when it comes to anxiety.
Meh, we'll see.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Worth the Pain
Alrighty, it seems that this "experimental therapy" is working for me. I experienced a bit of anxiety this last week but it's because I ran out of my vitamins and had been off them for several days.
You know, I don't know if depression and anxiety will ever go fully away for me in this life. But Heavenly Father has given many, many miracles to make it manageable. And not even just manageable; I have happiness everyday and joy frequently.
I've been reading up on suffering lately. Because I still have times of suffering now and again. In all honesty, I don't think it's fair all the time..okay, I don't think it's fair most of the time. But so what? Depression isn't fair. And lots of times situations in life aren't fair either. But that shouldn't make a difference in how I view the life I have been given. I feel like it's so important to continually express gratitude because, gratitude keeps me humble and being humble helps me to "submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord", just like the people of Alma in the Book of Mormon. Think about their situation. They changed their entire lives, left their homes and probably most of their possessions and comforts to be able to live the truth of Jesus Christ that they had embraced. And what happened afterward? They were found and enslaved and burdened. And when they cried to our Lord (for their Lord is our Lord) they were told if they prayed aloud again they would be killed.
And what did they do? They didn't stop. They didn't give up. They prayed in their hearts.
...do you know how many prayers I have said in my heart?
And what about Joseph Smith? Our prophet of the restoration? In his account of the first vision he talks about praying and then being overtaken by Satan to the point of physically not being able to speak. Did he give up? Nope. He prayed harder. And he was delivered.
So, my life isn't threatened. And I'm not being overtaken by Satan to the point of physical incapacitation. I'm just a girl suffering through depression. But does that mean that my cries to the Savior have less clout than the people of Alma or of Joseph? Of course not. Because neither Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ upbraid. They are no respecters of persons, they don't chose to hear one person's prayer and not an other's. Every prayer from every person regardless of religion, ethnicity, or background is heard. Every child on earth is Heavenly Father's child. He loves us all. He hears us all.
Even I need reminders of that sometimes. Like right now. My suffering isn't over. And I like what our EFY session director said this last week, "God does not take joy in our suffering. But he does take joy in our growth."
Man, I'm not going to lie. It's hard. It's hard knowing that I'm not finished with the things I'm going through yet. Of course I want to be done! And...dare I tell you? It's even gotten hard to the point of me not even wanting to go through it for someone else. I mean, going through this so that sometime I'll be able to help someone else. I'm tempted to say, whoever they are, they're not worth this. But that's a big, fat, devilish lie (to use a phrase Sheri Dew has used). If Heavenly Father asked me to go through this for the worst person on the planet...I'd do it. Of course, he would have to ask me ;) I'm not perfect.
But "...the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your aRedeemer suffered bdeath in the flesh; wherefore he csuffered the dpain of all men, that all men might repent and ecome unto him." (italics added)
I have to remember the bigger picture. Because the small one that you and I tend to live in doesn't cut it when I'm trying to understand why something is worth the pain to go through.
-sigh- I hope Tuesday comes fast...I want to go to the temple.
"When you are troubled...you may take your cares to the temple. There you can receive spiritual guidance.
Sometimes you may feel that you cannot think clearly because your mind is so burdened with problems and the many things clamoring for attention. In the temple, the dust of these distractions can settle, the fog and haze can lift, and you can understand things that you have not understood before. You can find new ways to deal with the challenges you face."
God bless you my dear friends.
Until next time :)
Erin
References used (in order)
-Mosiah 24:8-15
-Joseph Smith History 1:15-17
-Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-11
-True to the Faith - Temples, Blessings from attending
You know, I don't know if depression and anxiety will ever go fully away for me in this life. But Heavenly Father has given many, many miracles to make it manageable. And not even just manageable; I have happiness everyday and joy frequently.
I've been reading up on suffering lately. Because I still have times of suffering now and again. In all honesty, I don't think it's fair all the time..okay, I don't think it's fair most of the time. But so what? Depression isn't fair. And lots of times situations in life aren't fair either. But that shouldn't make a difference in how I view the life I have been given. I feel like it's so important to continually express gratitude because, gratitude keeps me humble and being humble helps me to "submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord", just like the people of Alma in the Book of Mormon. Think about their situation. They changed their entire lives, left their homes and probably most of their possessions and comforts to be able to live the truth of Jesus Christ that they had embraced. And what happened afterward? They were found and enslaved and burdened. And when they cried to our Lord (for their Lord is our Lord) they were told if they prayed aloud again they would be killed.
And what did they do? They didn't stop. They didn't give up. They prayed in their hearts.
...do you know how many prayers I have said in my heart?
And what about Joseph Smith? Our prophet of the restoration? In his account of the first vision he talks about praying and then being overtaken by Satan to the point of physically not being able to speak. Did he give up? Nope. He prayed harder. And he was delivered.
So, my life isn't threatened. And I'm not being overtaken by Satan to the point of physical incapacitation. I'm just a girl suffering through depression. But does that mean that my cries to the Savior have less clout than the people of Alma or of Joseph? Of course not. Because neither Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ upbraid. They are no respecters of persons, they don't chose to hear one person's prayer and not an other's. Every prayer from every person regardless of religion, ethnicity, or background is heard. Every child on earth is Heavenly Father's child. He loves us all. He hears us all.
Even I need reminders of that sometimes. Like right now. My suffering isn't over. And I like what our EFY session director said this last week, "God does not take joy in our suffering. But he does take joy in our growth."
Man, I'm not going to lie. It's hard. It's hard knowing that I'm not finished with the things I'm going through yet. Of course I want to be done! And...dare I tell you? It's even gotten hard to the point of me not even wanting to go through it for someone else. I mean, going through this so that sometime I'll be able to help someone else. I'm tempted to say, whoever they are, they're not worth this. But that's a big, fat, devilish lie (to use a phrase Sheri Dew has used). If Heavenly Father asked me to go through this for the worst person on the planet...I'd do it. Of course, he would have to ask me ;) I'm not perfect.
But "...the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your aRedeemer suffered bdeath in the flesh; wherefore he csuffered the dpain of all men, that all men might repent and ecome unto him." (italics added)
I have to remember the bigger picture. Because the small one that you and I tend to live in doesn't cut it when I'm trying to understand why something is worth the pain to go through.
-sigh- I hope Tuesday comes fast...I want to go to the temple.
"When you are troubled...you may take your cares to the temple. There you can receive spiritual guidance.
Sometimes you may feel that you cannot think clearly because your mind is so burdened with problems and the many things clamoring for attention. In the temple, the dust of these distractions can settle, the fog and haze can lift, and you can understand things that you have not understood before. You can find new ways to deal with the challenges you face."
God bless you my dear friends.
Until next time :)
Erin
References used (in order)
-Mosiah 24:8-15
-Joseph Smith History 1:15-17
-Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-11
-True to the Faith - Temples, Blessings from attending
Sunday, May 8, 2011
DOING GREAT
My dearest friends,
I thought I would share this good news with you :) I have now been on Amino Acids for a month or so and have been off of Cymbalta for about two weeks and I'm doing great. I have had no bad side-effects or withdrawal.
I don't know quite where to go with this blog now. Not that I want to stop but I wish there were some way to be able to let others ask questions or advice or anything like that.
Until I figure it out I'll keep updating this blog as I see fit.
Love you all, thanks for reading so far. Don't stop! I'll figure out some way to keep this going that will be most helpful to everyone.
I thought I would share this good news with you :) I have now been on Amino Acids for a month or so and have been off of Cymbalta for about two weeks and I'm doing great. I have had no bad side-effects or withdrawal.
I don't know quite where to go with this blog now. Not that I want to stop but I wish there were some way to be able to let others ask questions or advice or anything like that.
Until I figure it out I'll keep updating this blog as I see fit.
Love you all, thanks for reading so far. Don't stop! I'll figure out some way to keep this going that will be most helpful to everyone.
Monday, April 18, 2011
I went to therapy today. The last couple of times have been really good. I left smiling and laughing. Today I went and I happen to be sort of sleep deprived right now and couldn't think of anything important to say until 15 minutes before I was going to leave I remembered that I had written "Dodging Teapots". I read through it again while my counselor read it. I had forgotten that I had even written it.
Those were some pretty intense feelings but they didn't stay, obviously since I had forgotten about them. Which I could use as hope (as my counselor suggested) for future times when that happens again. Saying to myself, "Hey, this isn't going to last. Get it all out now and then it's out of me instead of inside of me. I'll be able to let it go without a problem."
I look forward to the day when I'll be in control of my own mind. But with the acceptance that there may be sometimes where I might not be in control, but that it will still be okay. And that I don't need to be a control freak when it comes to myself.
For some reason the fact that I had forgotten all those feelings feels good. It feels like progress. It feels like I know it was a big deal for me at the time, but I was able to and did let it go. That's wonderful!
Now, I have to go to bed. I'm so dang tired and really need sleep.
Until next time :) keep your chin up.
Loves
Those were some pretty intense feelings but they didn't stay, obviously since I had forgotten about them. Which I could use as hope (as my counselor suggested) for future times when that happens again. Saying to myself, "Hey, this isn't going to last. Get it all out now and then it's out of me instead of inside of me. I'll be able to let it go without a problem."
I look forward to the day when I'll be in control of my own mind. But with the acceptance that there may be sometimes where I might not be in control, but that it will still be okay. And that I don't need to be a control freak when it comes to myself.
For some reason the fact that I had forgotten all those feelings feels good. It feels like progress. It feels like I know it was a big deal for me at the time, but I was able to and did let it go. That's wonderful!
Now, I have to go to bed. I'm so dang tired and really need sleep.
Until next time :) keep your chin up.
Loves
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Dodging Teapots
Alright.
My life is changing. I did the very best that I could the last four months, yet I'm still having bad repercussions.
I feel like I'm in The Sword in the Stone where Merlin is packing up everything in his house and things are banging into one another and everything is flying everywhere all at once!!
And I'm just standing here trying not to get hit in the head with a teapot yelling, "Okay, okay! What is going on?? What's going on?? Everybody just needs to CALM DOWN!"
Nothing is really listening to me :( that's what you get trying to get ten thousand inanimate objects into a little bag. My friend gave me some advice last night that goes as follows, "Step one: don't give up. Step two: don't give up. Step three: have patience." There were two other steps but they applied to something else.
Okay, so I'll have patience. I learned something about patience five years ago that has stuck with me ever since. "Patience is not indifference. Actually its caring very much but being willing nonetheless to submit to the Lord..." Neal A. Maxwell.
5 years ago that's exactly what patience was to me. Making myself indifferent to whatever it was I was desiring at the moment. I've since changed that and now willingly admit to the Lord when something means something to me. When something matters a great deal to me. I guess...now I need to exercise more faith, or more likely remember my faith. Because...there are things that I'm not getting that I very much want. And it's not like I'm praying for ten thousand dollars (though that would be nice). I'm praying for things like, a whole heart again. Feeling appreciated. Feeling worthwhile. Feeling hope that someday certain things in my life will work out and more importantly (for I know that all will work out with the Lord) that I'll be at peace in the meantime.
I'm reverting back to some old ways, ways that I thought I'd gotten rid of. Things like feeling I have to be perfect when it comes to most things. Or feeling like if I don't receive something I work for than the obvious reason for me not getting it is because I don't deserve it or I'm not good enough for it.
I need friends but in order to have friends I feel like I have to be all happy and chipper and giving the vibes that I just love life and all that jazz. When, truth is, though I do love my life very much, it's just hard right now. My logic is telling me, who would want to be friends with someone who is going through what you are? And who wants to help someone who is experiencing what you are? I'm thinking, no one should have to deal with this. No one should have to share my burden. I know that that isn't the right way to be thinking, but it's hard to believe it in eye of the tornado I find myself in. I was actually even writing this on my other blog, but thought, "Hey, that blog is supposed to be inspiring and I feel pretty far off from inspiring right now."
This blog I can be more real on. Why do I feel like I can't be real other places?
Hmm, I think I know why, I think it's because after a while of being down in the trenches, you should be able to pull yourself out or buck up or something.
Man...you wouldn't think that I know anything about depression, huh? Saying that last thing. I'm just tired of faking it most days. When people come up to me and ask me how I am I want to be able to say, "I AM FANTASTIC!" and mean it. I try to tell the truth by saying, my outside life is wonderful. Nothing is amiss in my outside world.
My inside world is a whole other story. When I tell people I'm not doing well on the inside they give me a hug, tell me they're sorry and then walk away. Can you blame me for feeling some of what I feel? People don't want to help me with this. Not really. That doesn't make them bad people, but it also doesn't make me want to be friends with them, because they don't seem willing to help me with what I need the most.
I had two friends, one who is a good friend of mine, blow me off completely when they asked me how I was doing and I replied, "not so hot." CHANGED THE SUBJECT COMPLETELY.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
-sigh- Guess I gotta just keep dodging teapots; one teapot at a time.
My life is changing. I did the very best that I could the last four months, yet I'm still having bad repercussions.
I feel like I'm in The Sword in the Stone where Merlin is packing up everything in his house and things are banging into one another and everything is flying everywhere all at once!!
And I'm just standing here trying not to get hit in the head with a teapot yelling, "Okay, okay! What is going on?? What's going on?? Everybody just needs to CALM DOWN!"
Nothing is really listening to me :( that's what you get trying to get ten thousand inanimate objects into a little bag. My friend gave me some advice last night that goes as follows, "Step one: don't give up. Step two: don't give up. Step three: have patience." There were two other steps but they applied to something else.
Okay, so I'll have patience. I learned something about patience five years ago that has stuck with me ever since. "Patience is not indifference. Actually its caring very much but being willing nonetheless to submit to the Lord..." Neal A. Maxwell.
5 years ago that's exactly what patience was to me. Making myself indifferent to whatever it was I was desiring at the moment. I've since changed that and now willingly admit to the Lord when something means something to me. When something matters a great deal to me. I guess...now I need to exercise more faith, or more likely remember my faith. Because...there are things that I'm not getting that I very much want. And it's not like I'm praying for ten thousand dollars (though that would be nice). I'm praying for things like, a whole heart again. Feeling appreciated. Feeling worthwhile. Feeling hope that someday certain things in my life will work out and more importantly (for I know that all will work out with the Lord) that I'll be at peace in the meantime.
I'm reverting back to some old ways, ways that I thought I'd gotten rid of. Things like feeling I have to be perfect when it comes to most things. Or feeling like if I don't receive something I work for than the obvious reason for me not getting it is because I don't deserve it or I'm not good enough for it.
I need friends but in order to have friends I feel like I have to be all happy and chipper and giving the vibes that I just love life and all that jazz. When, truth is, though I do love my life very much, it's just hard right now. My logic is telling me, who would want to be friends with someone who is going through what you are? And who wants to help someone who is experiencing what you are? I'm thinking, no one should have to deal with this. No one should have to share my burden. I know that that isn't the right way to be thinking, but it's hard to believe it in eye of the tornado I find myself in. I was actually even writing this on my other blog, but thought, "Hey, that blog is supposed to be inspiring and I feel pretty far off from inspiring right now."
This blog I can be more real on. Why do I feel like I can't be real other places?
Hmm, I think I know why, I think it's because after a while of being down in the trenches, you should be able to pull yourself out or buck up or something.
Man...you wouldn't think that I know anything about depression, huh? Saying that last thing. I'm just tired of faking it most days. When people come up to me and ask me how I am I want to be able to say, "I AM FANTASTIC!" and mean it. I try to tell the truth by saying, my outside life is wonderful. Nothing is amiss in my outside world.
My inside world is a whole other story. When I tell people I'm not doing well on the inside they give me a hug, tell me they're sorry and then walk away. Can you blame me for feeling some of what I feel? People don't want to help me with this. Not really. That doesn't make them bad people, but it also doesn't make me want to be friends with them, because they don't seem willing to help me with what I need the most.
I had two friends, one who is a good friend of mine, blow me off completely when they asked me how I was doing and I replied, "not so hot." CHANGED THE SUBJECT COMPLETELY.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
-sigh- Guess I gotta just keep dodging teapots; one teapot at a time.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Still
Painfully truthful:
I could sure use a lift for my own hopeless heart..
I wish I could find a better way to remove all the filth that fills me up sometimes.
I want someone with me always.
I wish everyday were sunny and warm. I wouldn't take it for granted. I would relish every moment, I really would.
I wish Kendall was still my best friend.
I'm waiting for someone who really cares about me.
Sometimes I want a "good reason" to yell at someone..sometimes I feel like looking for a fight. I felt like that today.
But I would never. Not intentionally. Not pre-meditatingly so. Yes, I just made that word up.
I wish I didn't feel upset that Callie is still good friends with him. I wish I didn't feel alienated, cut-off and like an awful person because of it.
I hope, that despite myself...
At this moment...my own hope is just a glimmer. But it's still there.
I want to quit my job instead of having to try and fix the problems I'm having with my manager and working twice as hard as I already feel I do to prove to someone (who doesn't believe) that I'm more than worth anything having there.
I hope school isn't always such a thorn in my side. Not the learning...I love learning. But the technical, financial, administrative stuff.
I'd like to come across more shiny/sparkly things.
I wish people would stop pointing out how skinny I am and telling me they've noticed that I've lost weight.
Hum the tune to More Holiness Give Me and Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?
Night
I could sure use a lift for my own hopeless heart..
I wish I could find a better way to remove all the filth that fills me up sometimes.
I want someone with me always.
I wish everyday were sunny and warm. I wouldn't take it for granted. I would relish every moment, I really would.
I wish Kendall was still my best friend.
I'm waiting for someone who really cares about me.
Sometimes I want a "good reason" to yell at someone..sometimes I feel like looking for a fight. I felt like that today.
But I would never. Not intentionally. Not pre-meditatingly so. Yes, I just made that word up.
I wish I didn't feel upset that Callie is still good friends with him. I wish I didn't feel alienated, cut-off and like an awful person because of it.
I hope, that despite myself...
At this moment...my own hope is just a glimmer. But it's still there.
I want to quit my job instead of having to try and fix the problems I'm having with my manager and working twice as hard as I already feel I do to prove to someone (who doesn't believe) that I'm more than worth anything having there.
I hope school isn't always such a thorn in my side. Not the learning...I love learning. But the technical, financial, administrative stuff.
I'd like to come across more shiny/sparkly things.
I wish people would stop pointing out how skinny I am and telling me they've noticed that I've lost weight.
Hum the tune to More Holiness Give Me and Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?
Night
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Dream
Something incredible happened last week in my therapy session. I left laughing! That's HUGE! I have never been in a laughing mood after leaving a session. It felt really good :)
I want to tell you about a dream I had the other night. Just as a refresher, I have cRaZy dreams that are more often than not disturbing and leave me feeling sort of ill in the mornings. But a couple of nights ago I dreamt that I had gone to a hospital because I wasn't feeling well. I was sitting on the floor against a wall and a doctor was crouching in front of me asking questions and watching me closely. I was hallucinating things which was making it hard for me to focus on him and what he was saying. He was very concerned with my behavior. And admitted me and took me into a non-conventional examination room where there was a psychiatrist and another doctor.
Now, something interesting happened here. I was actually me in this part.
Normally, when I dream, I am always viewing myself from an outside perspective. There have been only two dreams to my recollection that I have actually been inside of myself and both of those instances have been in the last couple of months.
So, as the psychiatrist asked me questions and was watching me very closely, I, all of the sudden, was very tired; to the point where I just put my head down on the arm of the couch I was sitting on and closed my eyes. For the rest of the dream (which consisted of hours and hours passing by) I floated in and out of consciousness. Every time I came to again I felt that sensation when you're heavily drugged; physically heavy and mentally just...heavy. You know, all drugged up. But I wasn't on any drugs. By the end of the dream there were several more doctors in the room, all observing me closely.
At first this might sound like another disturbing dream, but I woke up (for real) feeling quite different. And later in the day I figured out why. It wasn't disturbing because I was safe in that room. And every doctor that was in there was in there for me. I was under professional care.
After a day of pondering this dream its become one of the best dreams I have ever had. I was safe. And despite the fact that there was obviously something very wrong with me and that I was weak and basically helpless, I still had many people who were truly watching over me.
I asked one of my friends what he thought this dream might have meant and he said, "Well, perhaps it symbolizes that you're starting to look at life through your perspective and not how other people might see you."
I really liked that answer, too. Either way that to me, is progress. Progress deep down inside.
And just as a side note, I don't read into every dream like this but this dream was special.
I want to tell you about a dream I had the other night. Just as a refresher, I have cRaZy dreams that are more often than not disturbing and leave me feeling sort of ill in the mornings. But a couple of nights ago I dreamt that I had gone to a hospital because I wasn't feeling well. I was sitting on the floor against a wall and a doctor was crouching in front of me asking questions and watching me closely. I was hallucinating things which was making it hard for me to focus on him and what he was saying. He was very concerned with my behavior. And admitted me and took me into a non-conventional examination room where there was a psychiatrist and another doctor.
Now, something interesting happened here. I was actually me in this part.
Normally, when I dream, I am always viewing myself from an outside perspective. There have been only two dreams to my recollection that I have actually been inside of myself and both of those instances have been in the last couple of months.
So, as the psychiatrist asked me questions and was watching me very closely, I, all of the sudden, was very tired; to the point where I just put my head down on the arm of the couch I was sitting on and closed my eyes. For the rest of the dream (which consisted of hours and hours passing by) I floated in and out of consciousness. Every time I came to again I felt that sensation when you're heavily drugged; physically heavy and mentally just...heavy. You know, all drugged up. But I wasn't on any drugs. By the end of the dream there were several more doctors in the room, all observing me closely.
At first this might sound like another disturbing dream, but I woke up (for real) feeling quite different. And later in the day I figured out why. It wasn't disturbing because I was safe in that room. And every doctor that was in there was in there for me. I was under professional care.
After a day of pondering this dream its become one of the best dreams I have ever had. I was safe. And despite the fact that there was obviously something very wrong with me and that I was weak and basically helpless, I still had many people who were truly watching over me.
I asked one of my friends what he thought this dream might have meant and he said, "Well, perhaps it symbolizes that you're starting to look at life through your perspective and not how other people might see you."
I really liked that answer, too. Either way that to me, is progress. Progress deep down inside.
And just as a side note, I don't read into every dream like this but this dream was special.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I didn't quite know which blog to post this on...
Do you like potatoes? I do. Especially ones cubed and then smashed on my plate with a whole lot of butter on them :) Have you pealed a lot of potatoes? I have. Have you ever come across one that has a whole lot of bruises on it? But your mom (or you) insists on using every good part and so you end up meticulously cutting out each bruise?
I feel like I'm doing that right now. I feel like I have to do that. And I don't know, honestly, if I have to or not.
I will warn you now that I'm going to be a bit vague from here on out because I just need to write down my thoughts with the chance that maybe someone will read it, even if they don't that's the not point. It's just the chance that someone could read it. And let's face it, you're probably smart enough to see through my ambiguity anyhow.
I feel like I'm meticulously (yet not exactly obsessively) cutting little parts of my heart out;
a memory here and there...and here and here and here, too. There goes a little section for seeing reality. There goes a section for another memory. There's a piece for a day dream. Another one for mentioning a name. And here for driving past a street. A building. Hearing a song. Smelling a smell. Again for recognizing reality. Another piece for shame, one for hurt, for betrayal, several for little sadnesses...( <-- not a real word, btw)
I wonder. I ponder. Sometimes I ask. Other times I ignore. I embrace, I shove away.
And yet mercifully, despite everything Heavenly Father still lets me know on a daily basis that it will all fade. In fact I was promised that the past will not matter and it will fade like a dream.
I look forward to that day while at the same time doing my best to make today count. Despite everything. There will still be times when that paragraph above may happen again but I know I won't look back on right now with regret. I'm still living with no regrets.
I'll look back on right now, or maybe I won't, either way I'm content again, after writing this, with my situation. I am where God has led me. And how can anyplace (even a miserable jail named Liberty) where God is be ugly? Where God is, it is beautiful. A jail can become a temple, a place of revelation.
And a life that has scars can become a smooth plain where God dwells. He loves being with us. He loves making our lives, earth-stained as they are, become as clean and fresh as the whitest, cleanest linen.
Do you like potatoes? I do. Especially ones cubed and then smashed on my plate with a whole lot of butter on them :) Have you pealed a lot of potatoes? I have. Have you ever come across one that has a whole lot of bruises on it? But your mom (or you) insists on using every good part and so you end up meticulously cutting out each bruise?
I feel like I'm doing that right now. I feel like I have to do that. And I don't know, honestly, if I have to or not.
I will warn you now that I'm going to be a bit vague from here on out because I just need to write down my thoughts with the chance that maybe someone will read it, even if they don't that's the not point. It's just the chance that someone could read it. And let's face it, you're probably smart enough to see through my ambiguity anyhow.
I feel like I'm meticulously (yet not exactly obsessively) cutting little parts of my heart out;
a memory here and there...and here and here and here, too. There goes a little section for seeing reality. There goes a section for another memory. There's a piece for a day dream. Another one for mentioning a name. And here for driving past a street. A building. Hearing a song. Smelling a smell. Again for recognizing reality. Another piece for shame, one for hurt, for betrayal, several for little sadnesses...( <-- not a real word, btw)
I wonder. I ponder. Sometimes I ask. Other times I ignore. I embrace, I shove away.
And yet mercifully, despite everything Heavenly Father still lets me know on a daily basis that it will all fade. In fact I was promised that the past will not matter and it will fade like a dream.
I look forward to that day while at the same time doing my best to make today count. Despite everything. There will still be times when that paragraph above may happen again but I know I won't look back on right now with regret. I'm still living with no regrets.
I'll look back on right now, or maybe I won't, either way I'm content again, after writing this, with my situation. I am where God has led me. And how can anyplace (even a miserable jail named Liberty) where God is be ugly? Where God is, it is beautiful. A jail can become a temple, a place of revelation.
And a life that has scars can become a smooth plain where God dwells. He loves being with us. He loves making our lives, earth-stained as they are, become as clean and fresh as the whitest, cleanest linen.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Peace be Unto Thy Soul
So, here is something that I was taught in therapy, another tool for my tool box. Realizing that the pluses in my life outweigh the minuses.
I had a minus in my day so in my journal I wrote down all my pluses to compare the two.
+ + + + + five for the awesome weather!
+ + + three for starting a new painting
+ + + three more for the weather
+ + for getting every where I needed to go
+ one bold one for keeping track of my financing
- one minus for remembering that I'll never have Kendall again as a friend.
I've been praying that the Spirit will help me to create new habitual avenues of thought when Kendall enters my mind. To not dwell on my losing him. But to remember that God is directing my life. And every earthly experience we have in life Heavenly Father has the power and desire to make every, single one of them for our good. He will not allow suffering to take place in our lives needlessly...he'll turn it for our good.
Despite my efforts to think more positively, a lie came to my head. I tried, you see, to find an empathizing ear and I found one in a friend of mine. But I didn't get to expound like I wish I could have. I was left wanting. Unfortunately, I remember that a good friend of mine said to me recently (indirectly really), that I hadn't been a good friend lately. I think I might have mentioned this before but I don't remember. Anyhow, it comes back to me often.
I've put extra effort into forgetting myself and trying to notice others and their needs above my own and trying harder to check up on people and see how they're doing. But when I didn't find the kind of help I felt I needed tonight this lie came,
Lie: You aren't selfless enough to deserve the kind of support you want.
By this time I've already been crying for a little while and so I lie on my bed, sobbing and trying to drown out that awful lie. I know it's a lie but in the moment it's hard to believe what I know.
I've been told several times within the last couple of years that I was selfish; told by even some of my loved ones. I do my best. I feel badly that they can't see it but this is where a change of thought process comes in.
Someone thinks I'm selfish
A. I can mope about it and let it get me down and run myself into the ground trying to prove that I'm not
or
B. So what if they think I'm selfish? It's a simple misconception of theirs. I'm not selfish. I do my best to give people hugs when they need them, to tell someone I love them or thank someone sincerely for something good they've done. I keep trying to live outside myself as much as I can. And that's a good thing.
Heavenly Father knows differently of me. So, if some of my loved ones and some of my good friends feel like I'm selfish than of course I'm sad they feel that way. But I'm not going to allow myself to beat myself up over that. It's not worth it. I know I'm trying and for Heavenly Father that's good enough; and if it's good enough for him than it's good enough for me.
My little sister wrote on her blog about a seminary lesson and included the words to the hymn, Where Can I Turn for Peace. And she also had this scripture from Doctrine and Covenants
I had a minus in my day so in my journal I wrote down all my pluses to compare the two.
+ + + + + five for the awesome weather!
+ + + three for starting a new painting
+ + + three more for the weather
+ + for getting every where I needed to go
+ one bold one for keeping track of my financing
- one minus for remembering that I'll never have Kendall again as a friend.
I've been praying that the Spirit will help me to create new habitual avenues of thought when Kendall enters my mind. To not dwell on my losing him. But to remember that God is directing my life. And every earthly experience we have in life Heavenly Father has the power and desire to make every, single one of them for our good. He will not allow suffering to take place in our lives needlessly...he'll turn it for our good.
Despite my efforts to think more positively, a lie came to my head. I tried, you see, to find an empathizing ear and I found one in a friend of mine. But I didn't get to expound like I wish I could have. I was left wanting. Unfortunately, I remember that a good friend of mine said to me recently (indirectly really), that I hadn't been a good friend lately. I think I might have mentioned this before but I don't remember. Anyhow, it comes back to me often.
I've put extra effort into forgetting myself and trying to notice others and their needs above my own and trying harder to check up on people and see how they're doing. But when I didn't find the kind of help I felt I needed tonight this lie came,
Lie: You aren't selfless enough to deserve the kind of support you want.
By this time I've already been crying for a little while and so I lie on my bed, sobbing and trying to drown out that awful lie. I know it's a lie but in the moment it's hard to believe what I know.
I've been told several times within the last couple of years that I was selfish; told by even some of my loved ones. I do my best. I feel badly that they can't see it but this is where a change of thought process comes in.
Someone thinks I'm selfish
A. I can mope about it and let it get me down and run myself into the ground trying to prove that I'm not
or
B. So what if they think I'm selfish? It's a simple misconception of theirs. I'm not selfish. I do my best to give people hugs when they need them, to tell someone I love them or thank someone sincerely for something good they've done. I keep trying to live outside myself as much as I can. And that's a good thing.
Heavenly Father knows differently of me. So, if some of my loved ones and some of my good friends feel like I'm selfish than of course I'm sad they feel that way. But I'm not going to allow myself to beat myself up over that. It's not worth it. I know I'm trying and for Heavenly Father that's good enough; and if it's good enough for him than it's good enough for me.
My little sister wrote on her blog about a seminary lesson and included the words to the hymn, Where Can I Turn for Peace. And she also had this scripture from Doctrine and Covenants
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions will be but a small moment; And then , if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all of thy foes."
I turn to the Savior. He gives me peace, solace, makes me whole. He is the quiet hand that calms my anguish and he understands. He answers quietly, reaches my reaching.
Constant he is and kind, love without end.
I hope you can feel that you were just apart of me receiving from the Savior. And I know that you can receive from him, too.
Just keep trying, my dear friends. There is always hope :}
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Alright.
Things are going well :) I have an appointment with some new person tomorrow to look into amino acids. Supposedly they are helpful to some people who suffer from depression and anxiety. The wife of the 2nd counselor in my bishopric recommended it and so I'm giving it a shot.
Some bad news....I haven't been getting to bed early enough, like I promised myself I would. For the past week or so I haven't gotten to bed until after midnight, mostly not until 1am. :S yikes!! This is no good. Sleep is incredibly important as I have already mentioned in previous posts. I gotta get back on the wagon!! However...I don't feel too bad about it because I was usually with people which is a very good thing to me. I haven't wanted to hang out or be around people for months now and so the fact that I want to be around people despite it keeping me up late has felt like a good sacrifice. Yet, if it gets to the point where I lose the ability to function than another plan will have to be made.
I think I also need to start working on stress management. I have a lot to do today and I've been panicky about it because it's causing anxiety. But, I've been using the steps I've learned from therapy and other sources to help. I first tell myself to focus on only one thing at a time. I am praying constantly. And I evaluate what actually deserves some worry over. Most things I have to do today I don't have to worry about. It's just a very busy day. ...yikes, I feel anxiety over it just thinking about it.
"I'll have time to relax. It won't be go, go, go. Just simply one thing after another. It will all go well and it's all taken care of. Heavenly Father will help me."
That was me talking to myself. It really helps to talk things through to myself.
Okay :) the sun is out and that makes me happy.
Bye for now
Things are going well :) I have an appointment with some new person tomorrow to look into amino acids. Supposedly they are helpful to some people who suffer from depression and anxiety. The wife of the 2nd counselor in my bishopric recommended it and so I'm giving it a shot.
Some bad news....I haven't been getting to bed early enough, like I promised myself I would. For the past week or so I haven't gotten to bed until after midnight, mostly not until 1am. :S yikes!! This is no good. Sleep is incredibly important as I have already mentioned in previous posts. I gotta get back on the wagon!! However...I don't feel too bad about it because I was usually with people which is a very good thing to me. I haven't wanted to hang out or be around people for months now and so the fact that I want to be around people despite it keeping me up late has felt like a good sacrifice. Yet, if it gets to the point where I lose the ability to function than another plan will have to be made.
I think I also need to start working on stress management. I have a lot to do today and I've been panicky about it because it's causing anxiety. But, I've been using the steps I've learned from therapy and other sources to help. I first tell myself to focus on only one thing at a time. I am praying constantly. And I evaluate what actually deserves some worry over. Most things I have to do today I don't have to worry about. It's just a very busy day. ...yikes, I feel anxiety over it just thinking about it.
"I'll have time to relax. It won't be go, go, go. Just simply one thing after another. It will all go well and it's all taken care of. Heavenly Father will help me."
That was me talking to myself. It really helps to talk things through to myself.
Okay :) the sun is out and that makes me happy.
Bye for now
Friday, March 18, 2011
Every Good Thing
I knew the danger of starting this blog would be to not make it depressing. Not make those who read it more depressed than before they read these posts.
I also knew that this blog would be a toilet at certain times, where I would just throw everything up that's inside of me in expectancy of the relief that it would bring. Probably a pretty gross comparison, but it's not supposed to be gross. Just trying to help you understand what's going on :)
I also knew that this blog would be a toilet at certain times, where I would just throw everything up that's inside of me in expectancy of the relief that it would bring. Probably a pretty gross comparison, but it's not supposed to be gross. Just trying to help you understand what's going on :)
Heavenly Father is helping me so much. I’ve started reading another book called “The Promise of Enough”. It talks about how Christ came that we might live and live more abundantly. The author talks about how ‘each of us, for one reason or another, longs for abundance’, it could be because we’re lonely, have an illness, we need peace or comfort.
I can't help every time I hear of 'illness' I think of myself. Of course I want an abundance of health. But Ive never asked to be healed, specifically from depression or anxiety; because I feel like I'm experiencing these things in order to help others. And I'm willing (most of the time) to go through this for someone else. Things are always easier to do when they are for someone else. Not so easy when they're for me, intimately.
I also desire an abundance of understanding. I do so much better when I have an understanding of something. But again, if Heavenly Father's timetable isn't ready for me to understand what's going on than I will gladly settle for an abundance of peace. That's what I have been praying for for the past few days.
Think about it. Praying for an abundance of peace has brought...peace! Imagine that ;) I have already felt a difference. I'm coming to better grips with what has happened lately. I'm not all there yet, I still have a ways to go. But I'm willing to go, and that's progress.
I have a testimony that God hears and answers prayers. Prayers at any time, of every kind and of every request. He answers us.
I still don't know why this is happening, or even if there is a 'why'. I don't know when it will end, if ever. But I do know that Heavenly Father loves me very much and I see him helping me through every day. My confidence is in him. I can't even have confidence in myself because that would be trusting in the arm of flesh. It's all about leaning on his arm. And I have been doing that and I'm so much the better for it. He gives me the confidence I need to do his will.
There are still many good things in life. In my life. In your life. There are still many good things about me.
And every good thing I am, I owe to Him. :)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Update
Hey all,
I am doing better. What an absolutely insane day Monday was, huh? I want you to know that when those thoughts come I do not entertain them. They come and I immediately start fighting them. I am doing much better, but I am left to wonder if it is again time to try another medication.
-shrug- this is the process. Try. Try. Try. I have faith and hope that I will one day find something that really works for me. But for now it's mind over matter.
Are some of you laughing? I would be, if I were you :) Mind over matter doesn't always apply to depression and anxiety. In fact, that's one of the popular beliefs that I'm trying to kill. Sure, there are things that you can practice, thought processes and other things but many times those things aren't enough. Who knows, huh? For now I'm just doing my best and dealing with the days as they come.
My anxiety has gone down, I'm doing really well with mastering it. I just have to wonder again, if this is what's it's supposed to be like? Is this as good as it's going to get with medication? If it is, then I need to know because I'll have to solidify that idea in my head and then knuckle down and live the best that I can with my circumstances. Which is better than I'm doing now. I'm doing well, but I think I could be doing better.
Gah, it's gloomy outside. Sick.
;)
I am doing better. What an absolutely insane day Monday was, huh? I want you to know that when those thoughts come I do not entertain them. They come and I immediately start fighting them. I am doing much better, but I am left to wonder if it is again time to try another medication.
-shrug- this is the process. Try. Try. Try. I have faith and hope that I will one day find something that really works for me. But for now it's mind over matter.
Are some of you laughing? I would be, if I were you :) Mind over matter doesn't always apply to depression and anxiety. In fact, that's one of the popular beliefs that I'm trying to kill. Sure, there are things that you can practice, thought processes and other things but many times those things aren't enough. Who knows, huh? For now I'm just doing my best and dealing with the days as they come.
My anxiety has gone down, I'm doing really well with mastering it. I just have to wonder again, if this is what's it's supposed to be like? Is this as good as it's going to get with medication? If it is, then I need to know because I'll have to solidify that idea in my head and then knuckle down and live the best that I can with my circumstances. Which is better than I'm doing now. I'm doing well, but I think I could be doing better.
Gah, it's gloomy outside. Sick.
;)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Shambles
Wow, how appropriate that the previous post was titled the "Ups and Downs". Then I was up. Now I am down.
Aside from having to talk for 45 minutes about my ex during therapy today and coming away in not-so-good shape, something else happened today. It happened at home. I won't write the details. Suffice it to say that I packed a bag of clothes, toiletries, a pillow and blanket, put them in my car and left.
And now I'm sitting here. I'm dropping one of my classes because I don't like it and can't make myself go to it.
And Satan is attacking me furiously with awful thoughts.
-You are ruining your life
-You are seriously crazed
-You are tearing up relationships all around you
-Your family does not support you. They think you are selfish and thoughtless.
-You are all alone
-Your life is in shambles.
-You are a disgrace
-No matter how hard you try to do something right, it doesn't work out or you make things worse.
-You are a failure
-You will never find a medication that works.
-This is your life. This is as good as it gets.
God help me.
I'll fight it. But God help me.
I can do this.
Aside from having to talk for 45 minutes about my ex during therapy today and coming away in not-so-good shape, something else happened today. It happened at home. I won't write the details. Suffice it to say that I packed a bag of clothes, toiletries, a pillow and blanket, put them in my car and left.
And now I'm sitting here. I'm dropping one of my classes because I don't like it and can't make myself go to it.
And Satan is attacking me furiously with awful thoughts.
-You are ruining your life
-You are seriously crazed
-You are tearing up relationships all around you
-Your family does not support you. They think you are selfish and thoughtless.
-You are all alone
-Your life is in shambles.
-You are a disgrace
-No matter how hard you try to do something right, it doesn't work out or you make things worse.
-You are a failure
-You will never find a medication that works.
-This is your life. This is as good as it gets.
God help me.
I'll fight it. But God help me.
I can do this.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The Ups and Downs
Last week, I finally felt the incline. I've been down lately, not so much with depression but anxiety. I haven't felt much of depression (until tonight, but more about that later). I have been riddled with anxiety for several weeks now. With little to no relief. Last weekend, after experiencing some bitterness (I will not submit myself to that) I spoke with one of my institute teachers and asked him if he had any advice for me. I was going to go talk to him after my work shift was over, but by that time, I was through with the day. I just wanted to go home. So, we planned on talking the following Monday. Which we did.
He gave me a book called, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. He gave me an overview of the book in his office and I have begun reading on my own. It's helped. It's helping right now. I now go through the same mental process that I go through with depression. I talk myself through it. I identify the source, acknowledge it, plan for it if I can and then give myself permission to stop worrying about it. I am happy to say that every time the anxiety has risen in my chest, tight, uncomfortable and sickening, I have been able to quickly get it under control. This whole last week has been good, I'm making progress. I'm doing well :)
I did have some depression this evening concerning on ongoing concern...I don't know what to do about it. I'll make a decision and then change my mind and then change my mind back and then back again. I come to conclusions and then revert back to older conclusions and frankly, I just want it to be over and done with.
Anyway, on the whole I'm doing well.
This is all a process and I know that with practice I will gain the control I need over my mind. And I will be a stronger person because of it.
Keep hope, my friends. The Lord is looking out for you. I know he is.
He gave me a book called, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. He gave me an overview of the book in his office and I have begun reading on my own. It's helped. It's helping right now. I now go through the same mental process that I go through with depression. I talk myself through it. I identify the source, acknowledge it, plan for it if I can and then give myself permission to stop worrying about it. I am happy to say that every time the anxiety has risen in my chest, tight, uncomfortable and sickening, I have been able to quickly get it under control. This whole last week has been good, I'm making progress. I'm doing well :)
I did have some depression this evening concerning on ongoing concern...I don't know what to do about it. I'll make a decision and then change my mind and then change my mind back and then back again. I come to conclusions and then revert back to older conclusions and frankly, I just want it to be over and done with.
Anyway, on the whole I'm doing well.
This is all a process and I know that with practice I will gain the control I need over my mind. And I will be a stronger person because of it.
Keep hope, my friends. The Lord is looking out for you. I know he is.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The struggle continues.
I have good days.
I have bad days.
From last night and through out today was, not going to lie, crappy. I had another hard therapy session today. A tear never actually fell, though. Which to me, ridiculous as that may be, is a small accomplishment. However, it was very hard not to let one drop.
I have to maintain hope. How can I give up? I can't. Even though I want to at times. I just know that the Adversary is trying to destroy me. But God leads me on.
-sigh- I'm feeling low. I have so many frustrations. I so badly want to offer you some kind of hope right now. But I don't know what to say. Just keep going. Tomorrow is a new day. And yeah, it's possible that it may not be much better than today. But it's still a different day.
I do count my blessings still. I am surrounded by incredible people who are willing to be patient with me and who support me and still think highly of me.
Right before I left my therapist's office she asked me what I was going to do. I said, "I don't know. I'm going to feel crappy for the rest of the day and then I'll go and eat some Sparkle ice cream at the BYU creamery. And I'm going to pray everyday."
Aside from everything that's going on right now and no matter how black and blue I feel on the inside...I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves me. And he promised me he was going to give me the best. And I know that he will keep his promise. It's up to me now, to remember that. That is what I have to hold on to. His promise.
If you ask me, there's nothing better in the world to hold on to than a promise from my Father in Heaven.
I have good days.
I have bad days.
From last night and through out today was, not going to lie, crappy. I had another hard therapy session today. A tear never actually fell, though. Which to me, ridiculous as that may be, is a small accomplishment. However, it was very hard not to let one drop.
I have to maintain hope. How can I give up? I can't. Even though I want to at times. I just know that the Adversary is trying to destroy me. But God leads me on.
-sigh- I'm feeling low. I have so many frustrations. I so badly want to offer you some kind of hope right now. But I don't know what to say. Just keep going. Tomorrow is a new day. And yeah, it's possible that it may not be much better than today. But it's still a different day.
I do count my blessings still. I am surrounded by incredible people who are willing to be patient with me and who support me and still think highly of me.
Right before I left my therapist's office she asked me what I was going to do. I said, "I don't know. I'm going to feel crappy for the rest of the day and then I'll go and eat some Sparkle ice cream at the BYU creamery. And I'm going to pray everyday."
Aside from everything that's going on right now and no matter how black and blue I feel on the inside...I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves me. And he promised me he was going to give me the best. And I know that he will keep his promise. It's up to me now, to remember that. That is what I have to hold on to. His promise.
If you ask me, there's nothing better in the world to hold on to than a promise from my Father in Heaven.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Anxiety
So, the last few days I've had anxiety.
Anxiety is a pretty gross feeling. It's tight and uncomfortable. And most often I feel like putting a chisel to my chest and hammering it, in some vain attempt to let some of the pressure go. It's just an imaginary chisel though. But it's been persistent for three days. Now, I don't know if you recall, but anxiety is something that's still new for me. I've never dealt with anxiety before.
I don't know what to do with myself!! I'm all jittery and can't sit still. Or all I want to do is sit still and not do anything. Alicia says to think of anxiety like I would any other feeling. Like, I'm happy? Cool. Oh, I'm sad? Hmm. I'm anxious? Interesting.
It's hard though. Because when I have anxiety, my mind goes, "Something is wrong!" and not even about what's going on in my life. It's something wrong inside. If I get anxiety it should be for a reason...at least that's what part of me says. The other part says, "Erin, there is no reason. There's no reason. It's just anxiety, all by itself."
How annoying. I don't like going through my whole day feeling like I have a tightly wound, unreleasable spring inside my chest.
Anyhow, I'm still figuring out to deal with it. Honestly, I just want to not have it. Plain and simple. How about it just go away. Yeah, good idea.
Anxiety is a pretty gross feeling. It's tight and uncomfortable. And most often I feel like putting a chisel to my chest and hammering it, in some vain attempt to let some of the pressure go. It's just an imaginary chisel though. But it's been persistent for three days. Now, I don't know if you recall, but anxiety is something that's still new for me. I've never dealt with anxiety before.
I don't know what to do with myself!! I'm all jittery and can't sit still. Or all I want to do is sit still and not do anything. Alicia says to think of anxiety like I would any other feeling. Like, I'm happy? Cool. Oh, I'm sad? Hmm. I'm anxious? Interesting.
It's hard though. Because when I have anxiety, my mind goes, "Something is wrong!" and not even about what's going on in my life. It's something wrong inside. If I get anxiety it should be for a reason...at least that's what part of me says. The other part says, "Erin, there is no reason. There's no reason. It's just anxiety, all by itself."
How annoying. I don't like going through my whole day feeling like I have a tightly wound, unreleasable spring inside my chest.
Anyhow, I'm still figuring out to deal with it. Honestly, I just want to not have it. Plain and simple. How about it just go away. Yeah, good idea.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I read a scripture today in the New Testament, John 10:10. The second half goes like this, "I am come that they might have blife, and that they might have it more cabundantly." The footnote for "c" is Happiness.
I've been thinking about that this evening. I think Lucifer teaches that you can't have depression and be happy. But this scripture teaches otherwise. Which, in fact, that might be a foreign idea to most people who have depression. How is it possible to be happy and have depression?
The answer is simple. I am happy because I have the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have bouts of depression but Christ himself said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. [That they might have more happiness.]" He doesn't lie. He doesn't say, yes, they (his sheep, his people, those who follow him) will have more happiness, except if they have depression. In those people's cases, I guess they just have to deal with it.
No! Men are that they might have joy. And that absolutely includes people who suffer from the challenge of depression! You can't allow yourself to believe that great happiness and joy won't be experienced in your life. Of course it will. You will have joy. You will! Heavenly Father wants us to have joy.
And how much sweeter do you think it will be since we have known the very bitterest of feelings? When our joy comes (and it will come), we will savor it like others may not be able to. Not that that takes away from their joy. But oh, our joy will be sweet.
Things have been going better for me. My newest medication seems to be working for the most part. I'm sleeping better, my depression seems mostly under control and my anxiety, though it's still kicking me during the week sometimes, has lessened. The skills my therapist is teaching me are beginning to work. I'm training my mind to stop negative thinking, especially when it comes to myself. I'm working through processes in my head to distinguish truth. I think I still have a ways to go, but I'm making progress and that in and of itself is a very sweet joy for me.
We just have to keep going. We have to keep trying. If you try, you'll make it. There will still be hard days in life. There are still days that I struggle. Yesterday was one of those days. They aren't far away from me. They haven't been removed from my life. But I can still hold my head high and say that my God is taking care of me. He has made promises to me and I know he will keep them. He has already, he is now and he will continue to do so.
I've been thinking about that this evening. I think Lucifer teaches that you can't have depression and be happy. But this scripture teaches otherwise. Which, in fact, that might be a foreign idea to most people who have depression. How is it possible to be happy and have depression?
The answer is simple. I am happy because I have the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have bouts of depression but Christ himself said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. [That they might have more happiness.]" He doesn't lie. He doesn't say, yes, they (his sheep, his people, those who follow him) will have more happiness, except if they have depression. In those people's cases, I guess they just have to deal with it.
No! Men are that they might have joy. And that absolutely includes people who suffer from the challenge of depression! You can't allow yourself to believe that great happiness and joy won't be experienced in your life. Of course it will. You will have joy. You will! Heavenly Father wants us to have joy.
And how much sweeter do you think it will be since we have known the very bitterest of feelings? When our joy comes (and it will come), we will savor it like others may not be able to. Not that that takes away from their joy. But oh, our joy will be sweet.
Things have been going better for me. My newest medication seems to be working for the most part. I'm sleeping better, my depression seems mostly under control and my anxiety, though it's still kicking me during the week sometimes, has lessened. The skills my therapist is teaching me are beginning to work. I'm training my mind to stop negative thinking, especially when it comes to myself. I'm working through processes in my head to distinguish truth. I think I still have a ways to go, but I'm making progress and that in and of itself is a very sweet joy for me.
We just have to keep going. We have to keep trying. If you try, you'll make it. There will still be hard days in life. There are still days that I struggle. Yesterday was one of those days. They aren't far away from me. They haven't been removed from my life. But I can still hold my head high and say that my God is taking care of me. He has made promises to me and I know he will keep them. He has already, he is now and he will continue to do so.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Depression Does Not Define Me
Have you wondered where I have gone? :) I've been doing rather well the last week and a half. Not without some hitches of course, but for the most part, really, really good.
I was talking to a trusted friend of mine last month. We have many friends in common. We both know that several people within this common group of friends struggle with depression. We were discussing things and the point came up that some people allow depression to define them.
Now, you really can't say that I'm being unfair and don't know what I'm talking about. Because yes, I do. I tried to take over the household when I was fourteen years old because my mom couldn't get out of bed. My number one fear for years was getting depression. And now I have depression. My worst fears have been realized. Yet, I do not believe that depression defines me or who I am. And I'm not saying that anyone else is trying to define me as that. I just want to make it clear that though my clearness of mind is blurred at times because of depression and I feel that it rules my life sometimes, it's not all the time.
I know I am a strong person and the more of depression I experience, the more I am convinced that anyone who deals with depression and/or anxiety must be pretty darn strong people. Because it's hard and ruthless at times.
If you struggle with these things I want to talk specifically with you for a moment.
You are strong. Not everyone can put on a poker face like you can that everything is fine, when in fact, you are getting beat to a pulp inside. I think it's important for us to remember that depression and anxiety so often create a vacuum where we pull into ourselves and away from other people. But we have to try not to let that happen. However, it's also important to know that there will be days that we have to go through where we pull away from friends and family, people we love. We are fighters! If we weren't then I don't think we would be here. So many people give in or give up. But not us. We are defined by our character. Adrian Rogers defines "character" like this: "Reputation is what others think about us; character is what God knows about us." Only our Heavenly Father and our Savior knows what a depressed heart goes through. Only they know the wretchedness of the pain, the heaviness, the hopelessness. Only they know what it's like trying to drag yourself out of that. Only they know what it's like to drag yourself out of bed some mornings and hide away the anguish and face another day as if nothing is wrong. They Will Help You. They Will.
There are times when it is so noisy within us that we can't feel them or hear them but they are there nonetheless, ever vigilant by our side. Don't you know that they weep with us? They do, I know they do. They love us so much and they know that this hurts. I know that on several occasions in my life that They would have torn through the veil to be with me had Heavenly Father not promised me that this would be a fair test. They hold back because He made a promise. And we should know better than to entertain thoughts that God the Father does not care about us and thus we are left on our bedroom or bathroom floor sobbing. It's not true. He loves you. With Him you can get through this. It doesn't have to define you.
He knows me. He knows that I will fight whatever comes my way that gets in the way of me returning to His presence. And because I am willing to fight He will grant me rest as I need it. In fact, last week was a rest time for me.
So, if anything defines me let it be in Heavenly Father's sight that I will not give up.
With the Lord on my side, Erin is unconquerable.
I was talking to a trusted friend of mine last month. We have many friends in common. We both know that several people within this common group of friends struggle with depression. We were discussing things and the point came up that some people allow depression to define them.
Now, you really can't say that I'm being unfair and don't know what I'm talking about. Because yes, I do. I tried to take over the household when I was fourteen years old because my mom couldn't get out of bed. My number one fear for years was getting depression. And now I have depression. My worst fears have been realized. Yet, I do not believe that depression defines me or who I am. And I'm not saying that anyone else is trying to define me as that. I just want to make it clear that though my clearness of mind is blurred at times because of depression and I feel that it rules my life sometimes, it's not all the time.
I know I am a strong person and the more of depression I experience, the more I am convinced that anyone who deals with depression and/or anxiety must be pretty darn strong people. Because it's hard and ruthless at times.
If you struggle with these things I want to talk specifically with you for a moment.
You are strong. Not everyone can put on a poker face like you can that everything is fine, when in fact, you are getting beat to a pulp inside. I think it's important for us to remember that depression and anxiety so often create a vacuum where we pull into ourselves and away from other people. But we have to try not to let that happen. However, it's also important to know that there will be days that we have to go through where we pull away from friends and family, people we love. We are fighters! If we weren't then I don't think we would be here. So many people give in or give up. But not us. We are defined by our character. Adrian Rogers defines "character" like this: "Reputation is what others think about us; character is what God knows about us." Only our Heavenly Father and our Savior knows what a depressed heart goes through. Only they know the wretchedness of the pain, the heaviness, the hopelessness. Only they know what it's like trying to drag yourself out of that. Only they know what it's like to drag yourself out of bed some mornings and hide away the anguish and face another day as if nothing is wrong. They Will Help You. They Will.
There are times when it is so noisy within us that we can't feel them or hear them but they are there nonetheless, ever vigilant by our side. Don't you know that they weep with us? They do, I know they do. They love us so much and they know that this hurts. I know that on several occasions in my life that They would have torn through the veil to be with me had Heavenly Father not promised me that this would be a fair test. They hold back because He made a promise. And we should know better than to entertain thoughts that God the Father does not care about us and thus we are left on our bedroom or bathroom floor sobbing. It's not true. He loves you. With Him you can get through this. It doesn't have to define you.
He knows me. He knows that I will fight whatever comes my way that gets in the way of me returning to His presence. And because I am willing to fight He will grant me rest as I need it. In fact, last week was a rest time for me.
So, if anything defines me let it be in Heavenly Father's sight that I will not give up.
With the Lord on my side, Erin is unconquerable.
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