The struggle continues.
I have good days.
I have bad days.
From last night and through out today was, not going to lie, crappy. I had another hard therapy session today. A tear never actually fell, though. Which to me, ridiculous as that may be, is a small accomplishment. However, it was very hard not to let one drop.
I have to maintain hope. How can I give up? I can't. Even though I want to at times. I just know that the Adversary is trying to destroy me. But God leads me on.
-sigh- I'm feeling low. I have so many frustrations. I so badly want to offer you some kind of hope right now. But I don't know what to say. Just keep going. Tomorrow is a new day. And yeah, it's possible that it may not be much better than today. But it's still a different day.
I do count my blessings still. I am surrounded by incredible people who are willing to be patient with me and who support me and still think highly of me.
Right before I left my therapist's office she asked me what I was going to do. I said, "I don't know. I'm going to feel crappy for the rest of the day and then I'll go and eat some Sparkle ice cream at the BYU creamery. And I'm going to pray everyday."
Aside from everything that's going on right now and no matter how black and blue I feel on the inside...I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves me. And he promised me he was going to give me the best. And I know that he will keep his promise. It's up to me now, to remember that. That is what I have to hold on to. His promise.
If you ask me, there's nothing better in the world to hold on to than a promise from my Father in Heaven.

Anxiety

So, the last few days I've had anxiety.

Anxiety is a pretty gross feeling. It's tight and uncomfortable. And most often I feel like putting a chisel to my chest and hammering it, in some vain attempt to let some of the pressure go. It's just an imaginary chisel though. But it's been persistent for three days. Now, I don't know if you recall, but anxiety is something that's still new for me. I've never dealt with anxiety before.
I don't know what to do with myself!! I'm all jittery and can't sit still. Or all I want to do is sit still and not do anything. Alicia says to think of anxiety like I would any other feeling. Like, I'm happy? Cool. Oh, I'm sad? Hmm. I'm anxious? Interesting.
It's hard though. Because when I have anxiety, my mind goes, "Something is wrong!" and not even about what's going on in my life. It's something wrong inside. If I get anxiety it should be for a reason...at least that's what part of me says. The other part says, "Erin, there is no reason. There's no reason. It's just anxiety, all by itself."
How annoying. I don't like going through my whole day feeling like I have a tightly wound, unreleasable spring inside my chest.
Anyhow, I'm still figuring out to deal with it. Honestly, I just want to not have it. Plain and simple. How about it just go away. Yeah, good idea.

I read a scripture today in the New Testament, John 10:10. The second half goes like this, "I am come that they might have ^blife, and that they might have it more ^cabundantly." The footnote for "c" is Happiness.

I've been thinking about that this evening. I think Lucifer teaches that you can't have depression and be happy. But this scripture teaches otherwise. Which, in fact, that might be a foreign idea to most people who have depression. How is it possible to be happy and have depression?
The answer is simple. I am happy because I have the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have bouts of depression but Christ himself said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. [That they might have more happiness.]" He doesn't lie. He doesn't say, yes, they (his sheep, his people, those who follow him) will have more happiness, except if they have depression. In those people's cases, I guess they just have to deal with it.
No! Men are that they might have joy. And that absolutely includes people who suffer from the challenge of depression! You can't allow yourself to believe that great happiness and joy won't be experienced in your life. Of course it will. You will have joy. You will! Heavenly Father wants us to have joy.
And how much sweeter do you think it will be since we have known the very bitterest of feelings? When our joy comes (and it will come), we will savor it like others may not be able to. Not that that takes away from their joy. But oh, our joy will be sweet.

Things have been going better for me. My newest medication seems to be working for the most part. I'm sleeping better, my depression seems mostly under control and my anxiety, though it's still kicking me during the week sometimes, has lessened. The skills my therapist is teaching me are beginning to work. I'm training my mind to stop negative thinking, especially when it comes to myself. I'm working through processes in my head to distinguish truth. I think I still have a ways to go, but I'm making progress and that in and of itself is a very sweet joy for me.
We just have to keep going. We have to keep trying. If you try, you'll make it. There will still be hard days in life. There are still days that I struggle. Yesterday was one of those days. They aren't far away from me. They haven't been removed from my life. But I can still hold my head high and say that my God is taking care of me. He has made promises to me and I know he will keep them. He has already, he is now and he will continue to do so.

Depression Does Not Define Me

Have you wondered where I have gone? :) I've been doing rather well the last week and a half. Not without some hitches of course, but for the most part, really, really good.

I was talking to a trusted friend of mine last month. We have many friends in common. We both know that several people within this common group of friends struggle with depression. We were discussing things and the point came up that some people allow depression to define them.
Now, you really can't say that I'm being unfair and don't know what I'm talking about. Because yes, I do. I tried to take over the household when I was fourteen years old because my mom couldn't get out of bed. My number one fear for years was getting depression. And now I have depression. My worst fears have been realized. Yet, I do not believe that depression defines me or who I am. And I'm not saying that anyone else is trying to define me as that. I just want to make it clear that though my clearness of mind is blurred at times because of depression and I feel that it rules my life sometimes, it's not all the time.
I know I am a strong person and the more of depression I experience, the more I am convinced that anyone who deals with depression and/or anxiety must be pretty darn strong people. Because it's hard and ruthless at times.
If you struggle with these things I want to talk specifically with you for a moment.
You are strong. Not everyone can put on a poker face like you can that everything is fine, when in fact, you are getting beat to a pulp inside. I think it's important for us to remember that depression and anxiety so often create a vacuum where we pull into ourselves and away from other people. But we have to try not to let that happen. However, it's also important to know that there will be days that we have to go through where we pull away from friends and family, people we love. We are fighters! If we weren't then I don't think we would be here. So many people give in or give up. But not us. We are defined by our character. Adrian Rogers defines "character" like this: "Reputation is what others think about us; character is what God knows about us." Only our Heavenly Father and our Savior knows what a depressed heart goes through. Only they know the wretchedness of the pain, the heaviness, the hopelessness. Only they know what it's like trying to drag yourself out of that. Only they know what it's like to drag yourself out of bed some mornings and hide away the anguish and face another day as if nothing is wrong. They Will Help You. They Will.
There are times when it is so noisy within us that we can't feel them or hear them but they are there nonetheless, ever vigilant by our side. Don't you know that they weep with us? They do, I know they do. They love us so much and they know that this hurts. I know that on several occasions in my life that They would have torn through the veil to be with me had Heavenly Father not promised me that this would be a fair test. They hold back because He made a promise. And we should know better than to entertain thoughts that God the Father does not care about us and thus we are left on our bedroom or bathroom floor sobbing. It's not true. He loves you. With Him you can get through this. It doesn't have to define you.

He knows me. He knows that I will fight whatever comes my way that gets in the way of me returning to His presence. And because I am willing to fight He will grant me rest as I need it. In fact, last week was a rest time for me.

So, if anything defines me let it be in Heavenly Father's sight that I will not give up.
With the Lord on my side, Erin is unconquerable.