Update

Hey all,

I am doing better. What an absolutely insane day Monday was, huh? I want you to know that when those thoughts come I do not entertain them. They come and I immediately start fighting them. I am doing much better, but I am left to wonder if it is again time to try another medication.
-shrug- this is the process. Try. Try. Try. I have faith and hope that I will one day find something that really works for me. But for now it's mind over matter.
Are some of you laughing? I would be, if I were you :) Mind over matter doesn't always apply to depression and anxiety. In fact, that's one of the popular beliefs that I'm trying to kill. Sure, there are things that you can practice, thought processes and other things but many times those things aren't enough. Who knows, huh? For now I'm just doing my best and dealing with the days as they come.
My anxiety has gone down, I'm doing really well with mastering it. I just have to wonder again, if this is what's it's supposed to be like? Is this as good as it's going to get with medication? If it is, then I need to know because I'll have to solidify that idea in my head and then knuckle down and live the best that I can with my circumstances. Which is better than I'm doing now. I'm doing well, but I think I could be doing better.

Gah, it's gloomy outside. Sick.

;)

Shambles

Wow, how appropriate that the previous post was titled the "Ups and Downs". Then I was up. Now I am down.
Aside from having to talk for 45 minutes about my ex during therapy today and coming away in not-so-good shape, something else happened today. It happened at home. I won't write the details. Suffice it to say that I packed a bag of clothes, toiletries, a pillow and blanket, put them in my car and left.

And now I'm sitting here. I'm dropping one of my classes because I don't like it and can't make myself go to it.
And Satan is attacking me furiously with awful thoughts.
-You are ruining your life
-You are seriously crazed
-You are tearing up relationships all around you
-Your family does not support you. They think you are selfish and thoughtless.
-You are all alone
-Your life is in shambles.
-You are a disgrace
-No matter how hard you try to do something right, it doesn't work out or you make things worse.
-You are a failure
-You will never find a medication that works.
-This is your life. This is as good as it gets.

God help me.
I'll fight it. But God help me.
I can do this.

The Ups and Downs

Last week, I finally felt the incline. I've been down lately, not so much with depression but anxiety. I haven't felt much of depression (until tonight, but more about that later). I have been riddled with anxiety for several weeks now. With little to no relief. Last weekend, after experiencing some bitterness (I will not submit myself to that) I spoke with one of my institute teachers and asked him if he had any advice for me. I was going to go talk to him after my work shift was over, but by that time, I was through with the day. I just wanted to go home. So, we planned on talking the following Monday. Which we did.

He gave me a book called, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. He gave me an overview of the book in his office and I have begun reading on my own. It's helped. It's helping right now. I now go through the same mental process that I go through with depression. I talk myself through it. I identify the source, acknowledge it, plan for it if I can and then give myself permission to stop worrying about it. I am happy to say that every time the anxiety has risen in my chest, tight, uncomfortable and sickening, I have been able to quickly get it under control. This whole last week has been good, I'm making progress. I'm doing well :)

I did have some depression this evening concerning on ongoing concern...I don't know what to do about it. I'll make a decision and then change my mind and then change my mind back and then back again. I come to conclusions and then revert back to older conclusions and frankly, I just want it to be over and done with.

Anyway, on the whole I'm doing well.

This is all a process and I know that with practice I will gain the control I need over my mind. And I will be a stronger person because of it.

Keep hope, my friends. The Lord is looking out for you. I know he is.