Peace be Unto Thy Soul

So, here is something that I was taught in therapy, another tool for my tool box. Realizing that the pluses in my life outweigh the minuses.
I had a minus in my day so in my journal I wrote down all my pluses to compare the two.

+ + + + + five for the awesome weather!
+ + + three for starting a new painting
+ + + three more for the weather
+ + for getting every where I needed to go
+ one bold one for keeping track of my financing

- one minus for remembering that I'll never have Kendall again as a friend.

I've been praying that the Spirit will help me to create new habitual avenues of thought when Kendall enters my mind. To not dwell on my losing him. But to remember that God is directing my life. And every earthly experience we have in life Heavenly Father has the power and desire to make every, single one of them for our good. He will not allow suffering to take place in our lives needlessly...he'll turn it for our good.

Despite my efforts to think more positively, a lie came to my head. I tried, you see, to find an empathizing ear and I found one in a friend of mine. But I didn't get to expound like I wish I could have. I was left wanting. Unfortunately, I remember that a good friend of mine said to me recently (indirectly really), that I hadn't been a good friend lately. I think I might have mentioned this before but I don't remember. Anyhow, it comes back to me often.
I've put extra effort into forgetting myself and trying to notice others and their needs above my own and trying harder to check up on people and see how they're doing. But when I didn't find the kind of help I felt I needed tonight this lie came,

Lie: You aren't selfless enough to deserve the kind of support you want.

By this time I've already been crying for a little while and so I lie on my bed, sobbing and trying to drown out that awful lie. I know it's a lie but in the moment it's hard to believe what I know.

I've been told several times within the last couple of years that I was selfish; told by even some of my loved ones. I do my best. I feel badly that they can't see it but this is where a change of thought process comes in.

Someone thinks I'm selfish
A. I can mope about it and let it get me down and run myself into the ground trying to prove that I'm not
or
B. So what if they think I'm selfish? It's a simple misconception of theirs. I'm not selfish. I do my best to give people hugs when they need them, to tell someone I love them or thank someone sincerely for something good they've done. I keep trying to live outside myself as much as I can. And that's a good thing.
Heavenly Father knows differently of me. So, if some of my loved ones and some of my good friends feel like I'm selfish than of course I'm sad they feel that way. But I'm not going to allow myself to beat myself up over that. It's not worth it. I know I'm trying and for Heavenly Father that's good enough; and if it's good enough for him than it's good enough for me.

My little sister wrote on her blog about a seminary lesson and included the words to the hymn, Where Can I Turn for Peace. And she also had this scripture from Doctrine and Covenants

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions will be but a small moment; And then , if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all of thy foes."

I turn to the Savior. He gives me peace, solace, makes me whole. He is the quiet hand that calms my anguish and he understands. He answers quietly, reaches my reaching.

Constant he is and kind, love without end.

I hope you can feel that you were just apart of me receiving from the Savior. And I know that you can receive from him, too.

Just keep trying, my dear friends. There is always hope :}

Alright.
Things are going well :) I have an appointment with some new person tomorrow to look into amino acids. Supposedly they are helpful to some people who suffer from depression and anxiety. The wife of the 2nd counselor in my bishopric recommended it and so I'm giving it a shot.

Some bad news....I haven't been getting to bed early enough, like I promised myself I would. For the past week or so I haven't gotten to bed until after midnight, mostly not until 1am. :S yikes!! This is no good. Sleep is incredibly important as I have already mentioned in previous posts. I gotta get back on the wagon!! However...I don't feel too bad about it because I was usually with people which is a very good thing to me. I haven't wanted to hang out or be around people for months now and so the fact that I want to be around people despite it keeping me up late has felt like a good sacrifice. Yet, if it gets to the point where I lose the ability to function than another plan will have to be made.

I think I also need to start working on stress management. I have a lot to do today and I've been panicky about it because it's causing anxiety. But, I've been using the steps I've learned from therapy and other sources to help. I first tell myself to focus on only one thing at a time. I am praying constantly. And I evaluate what actually deserves some worry over. Most things I have to do today I don't have to worry about. It's just a very busy day. ...yikes, I feel anxiety over it just thinking about it.
"I'll have time to relax. It won't be go, go, go. Just simply one thing after another. It will all go well and it's all taken care of. Heavenly Father will help me."
That was me talking to myself. It really helps to talk things through to myself.

Okay :) the sun is out and that makes me happy.

Bye for now

Every Good Thing

I knew the danger of starting this blog would be to not make it depressing. Not make those who read it more depressed than before they read these posts.
I also knew that this blog would be a toilet at certain times, where I would just throw everything up that's inside of me in expectancy of the relief that it would bring. Probably a pretty gross comparison, but it's not supposed to be gross. Just trying to help you understand what's going on :)

Heavenly Father is helping me so much. I’ve started reading another book called “The Promise of Enough”. It talks about how Christ came that we might live and live more abundantly. The author talks about how ‘each of us, for one reason or another, longs for abundance’, it could be because we’re lonely, have an illness, we need peace or comfort.

I can't help every time I hear of 'illness' I think of myself. Of course I want an abundance of health. But Ive never asked to be healed, specifically from depression or anxiety; because I feel like I'm experiencing these things in order to help others. And I'm willing (most of the time) to go through this for someone else. Things are always easier to do when they are for someone else. Not so easy when they're for me, intimately.

I also desire an abundance of understanding. I do so much better when I have an understanding of something. But again, if Heavenly Father's timetable isn't ready for me to understand what's going on than I will gladly settle for an abundance of peace. That's what I have been praying for for the past few days.

Think about it. Praying for an abundance of peace has brought...peace! Imagine that ;) I have already felt a difference. I'm coming to better grips with what has happened lately. I'm not all there yet, I still have a ways to go. But I'm willing to go, and that's progress.

I have a testimony that God hears and answers prayers. Prayers at any time, of every kind and of every request. He answers us.

I still don't know why this is happening, or even if there is a 'why'. I don't know when it will end, if ever. But I do know that Heavenly Father loves me very much and I see him helping me through every day. My confidence is in him. I can't even have confidence in myself because that would be trusting in the arm of flesh. It's all about leaning on his arm. And I have been doing that and I'm so much the better for it. He gives me the confidence I need to do his will.

There are still many good things in life. In my life. In your life. There are still many good things about me.

And every good thing I am, I owe to Him. :)