Dodging Teapots

Alright.
My life is changing. I did the very best that I could the last four months, yet I'm still having bad repercussions.
I feel like I'm in The Sword in the Stone where Merlin is packing up everything in his house and things are banging into one another and everything is flying everywhere all at once!!
And I'm just standing here trying not to get hit in the head with a teapot yelling, "Okay, okay! What is going on?? What's going on?? Everybody just needs to CALM DOWN!"

Nothing is really listening to me :( that's what you get trying to get ten thousand inanimate objects into a little bag. My friend gave me some advice last night that goes as follows, "Step one: don't give up. Step two: don't give up. Step three: have patience." There were two other steps but they applied to something else.

Okay, so I'll have patience. I learned something about patience five years ago that has stuck with me ever since. "Patience is not indifference. Actually its caring very much but being willing nonetheless to submit to the Lord..." Neal A. Maxwell.
5 years ago that's exactly what patience was to me. Making myself indifferent to whatever it was I was desiring at the moment. I've since changed that and now willingly admit to the Lord when something means something to me. When something matters a great deal to me. I guess...now I need to exercise more faith, or more likely remember my faith. Because...there are things that I'm not getting that I very much want. And it's not like I'm praying for ten thousand dollars (though that would be nice). I'm praying for things like, a whole heart again. Feeling appreciated. Feeling worthwhile. Feeling hope that someday certain things in my life will work out and more importantly (for I know that all will work out with the Lord) that I'll be at peace in the meantime.

I'm reverting back to some old ways, ways that I thought I'd gotten rid of. Things like feeling I have to be perfect when it comes to most things. Or feeling like if I don't receive something I work for than the obvious reason for me not getting it is because I don't deserve it or I'm not good enough for it.

I need friends but in order to have friends I feel like I have to be all happy and chipper and giving the vibes that I just love life and all that jazz. When, truth is, though I do love my life very much, it's just hard right now. My logic is telling me, who would want to be friends with someone who is going through what you are? And who wants to help someone who is experiencing what you are? I'm thinking, no one should have to deal with this. No one should have to share my burden. I know that that isn't the right way to be thinking, but it's hard to believe it in eye of the tornado I find myself in. I was actually even writing this on my other blog, but thought, "Hey, that blog is supposed to be inspiring and I feel pretty far off from inspiring right now."

This blog I can be more real on. Why do I feel like I can't be real other places?
Hmm, I think I know why, I think it's because after a while of being down in the trenches, you should be able to pull yourself out or buck up or something.

Man...you wouldn't think that I know anything about depression, huh? Saying that last thing. I'm just tired of faking it most days. When people come up to me and ask me how I am I want to be able to say, "I AM FANTASTIC!" and mean it. I try to tell the truth by saying, my outside life is wonderful. Nothing is amiss in my outside world.
My inside world is a whole other story. When I tell people I'm not doing well on the inside they give me a hug, tell me they're sorry and then walk away. Can you blame me for feeling some of what I feel? People don't want to help me with this. Not really. That doesn't make them bad people, but it also doesn't make me want to be friends with them, because they don't seem willing to help me with what I need the most.
I had two friends, one who is a good friend of mine, blow me off completely when they asked me how I was doing and I replied, "not so hot." CHANGED THE SUBJECT COMPLETELY.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.


-sigh- Guess I gotta just keep dodging teapots; one teapot at a time.