I Made a Difference to That One

Do you recall how many times throughout this blog I said that the easiest way for me to keep going through all the anguish and pain was thinking about the people I would be able to help someday with my experiences?

I haven't written about it yet, but now is the time; those times came to me this summer.

Every week without fail I was able to help a youth who was suffering from depression or anxiety. Every week. I had one week in Salt Lake where I helped three girls, one with anxiety, one with depression and one who suffered from night mares.

For the first time in a long time I experienced gratitude for what I have been through. I knew it would come because that's how Heavenly Father works, he works through us. And every experience we have will be consecrated for our good and for the good of others if we allow it to be so.

This is what I have wanted. This is why I decided to be open with my depression and anxiety, because I knew there were others out there who were going through the same thing and needed help and encouragement. I wanted to share with people that life doesn't end when you have depression or anxiety. You aren't always an individual who can help no one because you can't even help yourself. I'm not saying that you will never feel broken, several of my own blogs attest to my feeling exactly like that. If you suffer from depression and anxiety than you will have those moments when you have to rely heavily on others, maybe even longer than a moment, maybe years.

But there will come a time when you have finally become conqueror over this "thorn in the flesh" and you will have the opportunity to rise with a compassion born from inner conflict and be able to comfort the comfortless. You will have the unique experience to help those who once thought they were helpless. You will become a strength to those around you.

I expect future struggles. How else am I to grow? Some could say, you can't change the whole world's view concerning depression. You can't make a difference. Then again, my goal was never the whole world anyhow, but the one. The individual. A story of a boy comes to mind that I heard in church today:

A man was walking along the beach and saw a boy a short distance away who was gently picking things from the sand and tossing them back into the water. The man approached the boy and saw that he was throwing starfish back into the ocean. "Boy," he said. "What are you doing?" The boy replied, "The tide is going out and these starfish are stranded, I am throwing them back into the water to save them." The shook his head, "Boy, there are miles of beach and hundreds of starfish, you cannot possibly make a difference." After listening politely the boy picked up another starfish and tossed it into the surf and turned back to the man, "I made a difference to that one."

You can be that difference.

I rejoice because I was that difference. I was an instrument in the Lord's hand through my suffering. I have shared the yoke of the Savior, in a small way perhaps, but in my small way I made a difference to a couple handfuls of youth and great is my joy in bringing even one soul closer to Christ.

If you are suffering from depression or anxiety or any other ailment, stay faithful, the Lord will have need of your experiences to touch specific people.

So keep going, because you can do it!

Lost Post

I wrote this post on November 28, 2010 and just found it in my drafts. I'd like to have it included with this blog.


"And He Began to Be Very Heavy"

"Depression rages on. I count myself blessed that's it's only moderate depression, but depression in any form is hard and painful. I wish the world better understood how depression feels and that you can't "just snap out of it" like so many people think.

Perhaps they would be more supportive of us if they knew that the Savior of the World has experienced severe depression?

Mark 14:33-35 says:
And he taketh with him Peter and James and John, and began to be sore amazed, and to be very heavy; And saith unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death: tarry ye here, and watch. And he went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him.

The footnote for "sore" is awestruck, astonished, at how very heavy (footnote depressed, dejected, in anguish) he became. So much was his sorrow that he felt it unto death. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that only those who have had moderate to severe depression knows the power of that statement. Some here with us on earth have unfortunately chosen death over feeling that heaviness.

My dear friends, my point is this: Jesus Christ knows what depression feels like. He understands far more than any being that has ever lived on the Earth. He felt it for himself plus everyone else's. He knows what it feels like to want relief so badly that you lay on the floor hoping to find it there, only to realize that the floor isn't even low enough to abate your feelings.

He knows the anguish that goes on inside your head when you know what is good but your mind and body cannot follow.

He knows what it feels like to not want to leave your house, even at the expense of others just not understanding.

He knows the feeling of wanting to hit yourself in the head with a book to try and stop thinking.

Yes, He knows. Even unto death.

But he went through that so that he could help you get through it. He alone can lift that suffering that comes from depression. And now he lives. He lives. And so can you. You can live through depression. You can and should chose life.

He is there with you. Of course he has his arms around you, understanding your pain perfectly and he offered everything in order to succor you through depression. Hold on. Hold on to the Savior."


This was interesting for me to read. Because it only got harder after this. But those verses of scripture were so comforting to me through this whole experience with depression; that it was recorded in the scriptures that he felt depressed, dejected and in anguish. Obviously, at the time he bearing the entire weight of the worlds he had created, so one can only imagine how severe his depression was at the time.

-sigh- I love him you guys. I love him so much. I'm so grateful for how perfectly he has taken care of me and how he continues to take care of me. He is real. He does live. He is your Savior.