Judge Me If You Want

Yes, I am actually writing on this blog again.

I've been in a depression for sometime now. It started getting worse in May and has been steady since then. A month or so ago it got worse.

There have been a lot of things going on in my life. I'm in a relationship again. It's going really well but the two  dates of depression I mentioned happen to coincide with particular marks in this relationship. I can't help but wonder about it. I mean, it does make sense. Stress is my number one trigger for depression. And any normal real relationship includes stress.

It's just been really hard. I have so many worries about my future, especially lately when so many things could be changing. I hardly know what to do. I've been here before where I'm so worried about what will happen that I freeze. I can't make myself do any sort of preparation to ease my worries. Seriously, I know that probably sounds ridiculous and maybe an excuse or something but its true. The worries are too much for me to handle. Because I so often don't know where to start with all the things that are always going on in my life and so I end up not doing anything and thinking that maybe with time they'll just sort themselves out! Of course they don't. They usually just get worse until the last minute and then by some miracle I'm able to do what I need to to get through. But what kind of a way to live is that? Living in panic until the last moment when in a frenzy of last moment-ness I somehow manage to make do with what happens?

Gosh I hate this. I hate my life when I feel like this. And it's not like my life is worth hating! There is nothing wrong with my life; it's just me.

It's just me. It's so hard to get out of it when you're in it. I feel like I need to do more preventative work concerning this. There's almost no use in trying to implement the things I want to do right at this moment because the naked truth is that I won't do any of it. I can think all I want but I won't do. I keep telling myself that I'm wrong and that I'm doing things wrong and that when I get depression it's my fault because obviously I haven't been living my life optimally. My diet, my exercise, my low spiritual level lately, my being anti-social, my lack of energy, irresponsibility; somehow it's all my fault.

My fault.

And it's all my fault because I'm a bad person. Any good person would be doing better than I am, right? The only reason I have depression is because I'm a bad, lazy person who obviously can't take care of herself.

Sounds like someone who is depressed talking, right?

Right.